Today, I’m going to START with the big questions. Yes, I know, “Todd, you’ve lost it! Why would you do this to us, the very bedrock of our existence is being shaken to the core!” I hear you bemoan…
Well, I promise it will make sense eventually.
Who ARE you?
WHO are you?
Who are YOU?
Yes, I meant to do that. No, I don’t need coffee… Because the emphasis matters.
How would people know who you are, if you weren’t prepared to tell them?
More than enough people are quite happy to spin you a tale of their awesomeness if you just give them the opportunity. But how genuine is this really? And how many people actually believe it, even if and when it is genuine?
Or, do we go the other side and put forth so little of ourselves because we’ve been burnt by bell-end behaviour before? Keeping ourselves safe behind filters that allow us to avoid ridicule and scorn but never actually give anyone a hint of what we actually think and feel?
So, if most people a fronting with a falsehood, be it bravado or meekness, how does anyone ever learn who we actually are? Do we even want that? Cause that shits scary… Been there, done that. Sometimes still do it. Which is the next point. And in turn, leads back to the original question. How would people know who we are behind those filters if we can’t be honest with ourselves, let alone them?
I mean, I have a feeling you are pretty awesome. Call it a vibe I get. But how would I ever know?
Authenticity.
It’s a subject painfully close to my heart.
So many years spent towing the line, doing what I felt like I needed to be accepted. To have people like me. To get by with as little conflict and stress as possible.
And I was typically in an environment that was flooded with the opposite. Self-aggrandisement that became cringe-worthy and really off-putting. But that was probably because I was at the other end of the desperate to be externally validated spectrum, and I saw it as pretty cheap and see-through. I can only imagine what they thought of me, in my contrived agreeable meekness.
Now, sitting there reading this, I suspect you will have opinions on which version is better or worse. And that’s how things are. That’s you being honest with how you feel. Maybe how you feel might be a result of what you felt compelled to do to survive teenagerhood, for example, and if you felt that worked for you or was disastrous.
Either way, there’s a part of you that knew that it wasn’t right then and still isn’t right now. But its what you needed, or still need, to do to survive your life. But this really makes me speculate of how much the prevalence of anxiety and depression might be because we all supress the shit out of ourselves because this is the lesson we learned about being accepted or surviving…
Did you ever meet that kid who at school would taste stuff, like the leaves of that tree you were sitting under, like a freaking lunatic? Why do you think they did that? And why did we decide they were a lunatic because of that?
Not all of those people we thought that of tasted leaves though. But they definitely did other stuff. Like said weird stuff about liking a band, or thinking something different about Slytherin house to you, or dressing a bit differently (I mean, who wears black ALL the time, right? Emos, what’s up with them….). Fucking freaks, right?... I hope everyone can hear the sarcasm in my voice, because it is definitely supposed to be heard just there.
Anyway, the point is, what did those people learn from those moments? What did YOU learn?
They learnt that thinking and feeling and being who they are made someone else feel uncomfortable, and they were prepared to shame them for it. How likely is that person to want anything to do with you in that case? I’d run away too. But did they run away from you, or start to run away from themselves? Yep, that sucks to hear right…
What did the shamers learn? That in order to feel comfortable with what they think, burning down the ideas and thoughts and cool shit that challenge what they think is the RIGHT things is the only way to feel certain and secure in those supposedly right things.
But it begs the question. What does what someone else thinks, feels and likes have to do with you in anyway shape or form?
Honestly? Not much.
Maybe if they’re your boss, and you have realised that money is kind of important for living. But even then, still a jerk if you get shamed for who you are, rather than the sucky job you are doing on company time. Or a partner, who’s supposedly to be important to you and is probably worth compromising with on some stuff on occasionally. You know, leaving the toilet seat up, or chewing too loudly. Or breathing near them. You know, stuff.
Everyone else though? What does their bullshit have to do with you? Or yours with them?
While there is an evolutionary drive to fit in (we are annoyingly and most definitely built that way), how far we go to compromise ourselves to do that is… impressive at times. And sometimes we forget to not do that shit any more, carrying old stuff on into our future and strangely creating the exact same result…
We are ALL guilty of this at some point in our lives. External validation was what childhood was all about. And when we don’t get it, that’s when depression and anxiety for doing shit we know we don’t want to do sets in. (That is a VERY generalised statement. Its supposed to be, calm down Karen)
But I have gone a little off topic there. As I do.
Why we do it, well, that’s a detailed and involved story about how you were raised, the social life you did or didn’t have, and what you were prepared to compromise to feel like part of the tribe. Loooong story, and everyone’s got one.
The original point was who you really are, under the bravado and filters. How can you see that person within yourself, let alone anyone else?
Well, have a good look.
What did you used to like? What’s that secret goal/passion/interest/kink/Nickleback song that you know is part of you, but have never really considered, let alone let out? What does that say about who you really are? What kind of person, beyond the judgement of others and their “righteous and superior decency,” does that mean you are?
And more importantly, unless you are a psychopath with inclinations to serial killer fame which is definitely an interest that probably shouldn’t be widely tolerated (looking at you, Charles!), who’s opinion really matters here? Who's life is it really?
Now, I have a theory on the sublimation of self, relating to Sigmund Freud’s model of self and how it relates to Carl Jung model of self, but that’s… needing fancy diagrams and maybe like 3 more blogs posts to try and describe. BUT, it basically boils down to “if you aren’t you, or too much you, you feel like/are treated like shit.”
What am I really talking about here?
Authenticity. Congruence. Honesty. Self-validation for its own sake.
How do people know who you are if you don’t tell them?
Actions. Acting in a way that aligns the deeper version of you with how you interact with the world around you. Yes, this is words. But we are sophisticated enough perceiving machines to see and feel the deeper meaning and felling behind those words IF they are actually backed up by our behaviours and actions.
Our emotional connection to the things we really truly like and love are so deeply embedded in the actions we take towards those loved things. They tell everyone soooo much about what you value and believe and think, sometimes you don’t need to say a thing about them. Its clear as day. IF you know what those things are and act accordingly towards them.
I wrote a post a while ago about gods and stories and superheroes, intending that to help people realise that if they pay enough attention to what they are interested in, it will help them define and realise truths about themselves. PAY ATTENTION, basically. Well, hopefully you’ve payed attention.
Who are you? And how true do you stay to that you?
I didn’t know. And didn’t stay true. For a long time. And its still a thing that needs effort. Because it was way easier to just sit with what I thought and felt and be satisfied with that, towing everyone elses line about how things should be. And I lost myself deeper and deeper into those filters that let me survive. I can safely say that it didn’t work out like I’d hoped. Pretty sure I’m not unique in that regard. How many lives are less because they aren’t who they really are.
I’ve recently received a bit of feedback about the posts I’ve written. It usually sounds like “Mate, I can hear your voice in my head as I read it. You write pretty much exactly as you talk to me”. It might be the biggest compliment I can remember receiving about doing this stuff… Because that is exactly how I want to be writing. As genuinely as I can. Sporadically informative ideally, but as me.
Obviously, for people who’ve never met me, this just sounds like bragging. Totally understood.
The reason I bring that up, is because a huge amount of my personal development has been about finding out who I really am and what I really want, underneath that story we all have since childhood. And shrugging off old survival filters to let that deeper and authentic part of me actually BE me. Embodying me, in my thoughts, actions and words.
Who am I?
What do I really think?
Can I accept and love those things about me?
Acting those things out, it shows people who you really are. Rather than needing to hide yourself and being invisible. Or exclaiming yourself to be ultra-visible.
Both are unnecessary. Being who you really are in your life and actions will be more than enough to show your people who you really are. Your people will find you. They will be drawn to you, once you start being who you really are. Your interests Your opinions. Your values. The things that make you, you. Those are the things that will bring people to you, for the right reasons. But only if you are brave enough to look into yourself and bring the fuller you out.
I am learning this lesson still. That my opinion of me matters to me more than someone elses insecurities. It is a long lesson to learn. Because you are evolving and discovering who you are constantly. Liking metal, and dungeons and dragons, and sport, and gaming, and philosophy and training and crude humoured 80’s comedy shows (c’mon, who DOESN’T like Blackadder…) makes me kind of random. But if people are prepared to shame me for liking those things, or speaking and acting in a way that I think is right, are those people I really want to listen to, let alone hang out with?
Im not saying you shouldn’t listen to other people. Occasionally, they may have pretty good advice. Occasionally anyway. But you still get to decide how relevant and true that is for you. Do you trust them to have your best interests at heart? Until you take a moment to look at yourself properly, do YOU have your best interests at heart?
If I make it sound like it’s easy to ignore other peoples bullshit, I’m sorry in advance. Its not. But paying attention to yourself and being honest with yourself about who that is and how you want to act that out is a hell of a start.
Who are you?
How do you BE that person in their fullest, and most fulfilling, way? Because that’s where it’s at.
Be you. Because you’re awesome. If you let yourself be.
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.
“A virtue is all the more impressive when it is seen through deed rather than proclamation. The opposite is true of vices.” Todd Cunning
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