Hey again peeps.
Today, I think I’m going to tell you all to be less judgey. Especially you, Marta.
And in doing so, make myself quite judgey. Good times ahead.
So, what am I getting judgey about?
Well, the inclination we seem to have about condemning the person rather than the behaviour. Because they aren’t the same thing. Well, sometimes they are, but not as often as we like to think.
The irony being that we do it so that we can simplify the way we interpret the world and people and interactions we see around us.
I mean, how many people really want to invest any time and effort into understanding why someone called us “a real cock drag of a human shaped leech”, instead of just saying or doing something that would get us kicked out of a wiggles gig in response?
Well, why WOULD they say that thing to us?
Why is THAT our nickname? (Incidentally, mine is “lingus” because my last name is Cunning. Comedy gold right there!)
Why would they treat their significant other like that?
Does this really make them reprehensible people to their very core, instantaneously? Or is that maybe a judgement better reserved for the behaviour they have demonstrated?
Truth is, we may never know why unless we take the time to understand what their motivations really are.
There is a line I like to trot out at times like this: To understand all is to forgive all.
If you make the effort to understand and appreciate the reason why someone behaves a certain way, then we can start to appreciate that maybe their behaviour wasn’t about us at all, so taking it personally might be a thing we don’t actually need to do, or lash out and condemn them to the pits of eternal “you just made the LIST!!!” torment.
Understanding leads to relatability.
Relatability leads to connection.
Connection leads us everywhere.
Particularly away from feelings that we likely may not want much to do with.
Now, I am by no means saying that behaviours from a person who didn’t mean them are to be ignored. Quite the opposite. But what I am saying, is that maybe taking the chance to appreciate and understand their point of view is something that maybe, kind of, slightly, potentially, possibly, perhaps, matter. Because context matters.
But the problem is, if we are just reactive to the behaviour we see, we don’t give a shit about context. Because they seemingly didn’t either. So fuck those guys right! They are trash people. How trash? SO trash!
It does beg the question though, is that really the behaviour that you want to bring to the table too?
Would you want the person you just accidentally bumped into on the train to understand that it has been a brutal day in which you just took a paycut because the bosses son needed to free up a little more of the budget for his overseas “fact finding” trips (finding the facts about buying cocaine on the streets of Bangkok to share with his harem of ladyboys of “negotiable affection” is, technically, a fact finding trip. I guess…). And that was on top of the cat being sick on your shoes just before walking out the door this morning, your partner saying they want to see other species and your parents telling you via their first post that they’ve just joined the local nudist colony and are going to document their new lifestyle on Instagram, facebook, youtube, tiktok. But not twitter. Because its not as visual on there…
You know, maybe have them understand that this might have created a bit of reactive stress PRIOR to you trying to stab them with your sick covered shoes? And that maybe they don’t need to take it personally? That you’re not a bad person really? That deep down, you knew you couldn’t stab them with those, frankly, pretty blunt shoes you had on? That maybe, just maybe, you are fully aware of the fact that they didn’t bump into you on purpose? And you know they aren’t actually a horrific person who may well not be a psychopath intent on making you suffer more for their amusement?
Well, the tricky bit is… Its not like you’re going to tell them that story BEFORE they bump into you, right?
So now what?
As always, it is on you…
Would you appreciate it if people didn’t take their day out on you? Yes.
Do you think they would in turn? Probably.
Would you think you would appreciate not being condemned as said horrible person for being reactive on that particularly shitty day? Also, probably.
What about them? Would they appreciate not being condemned too? Again, probably.
If we know this is true of us, are we prepared to at least occasionally give people generally the benefit of the doubt sometimes?
Because, you know, taking shit personally is how we really ramp up those shitty feelings.
If we make it about us, we feel compelled to make it about them.
Rather than see it for what it is, that being some unfortunate stuff that happened that doesn’t need to lead to such contempt for that particular bit of humankind.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there ARE some proper malicious pricks out there. Which is where the behaviour does start to inform on the person. And probably is worth distancing yourself from.
Even then, I’d still argue that the vast majority of the time, that maliciousness is learned from their own context and backstory and pain. And we don’t need to be around or tolerate that beyond a certain point.
Even then though, we still need to put a little distance between the person and the behaviour. For us, and them.
Again, if we make it about us, we feel the need to make it about them. Rather than the behaviour. And the reverse is true too. If they make it about us as a person, we make it about them as a person.
We don’t have to take it personally. That’s a choice.
When it crosses a line though, we get to choose how we try to reach understanding and give context. That’s when we do get a chance to make it about us, being affected by their behaviour. We try and create understanding in them about how we feel, and hopefully appreciate how they feel about it too.
If they don’t and wont, and clearly show you they don’t give two shakes of a shit about the effects their behaviours have on the world around them… Well, we get to make another choice then.
Do I want to be around for this behaviour anymore, knowing then that it is personal?
Behaviour is not the person. The person is not the behaviour. But there is a choice to make about which one matters and when. Because judgement of one without context is likely how you will be judged a swell.
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.
“People hasten to judge in order not to be judged themselves.” Albert Camus
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