Why do you people compare themselves to the Jones’ next door?
Jim Jones just got a shiny new boat. Like, a REALLY nice boat. A new Stejcraft 580 Islander nice boat. (yes, it really does it exist. And it certainly looks like a nice boat. But I’ve never cared for boats so feel free to educate me, Pete).
Why do you care?
I mean, the glare off that damned boats gleaming epicness in the sunny afternoon makes it hard to look out your front window without being blinded, and you did smash your shin into the coffee table while blinded that one time. But I think we all know that’s not really what we’re talking about… Is it, Pete?
No, I mean, why do you care that someone has something cool that you don’t?
Does it make you less of a man/woman/person/provider/vice-president in charge of vice presidents/bipedal mammal than those pesky Jones’?
Realistically, practically, honestly? No...
How could them having a thing possibly affect you?
But it does. But why?
Well, humans are built to work on a status mechanic. Which has fundamental impacts on our flow or serotonin. So… there’s that. Kind of a big deal, that serotonin.
Ask someone without it how if feels to not have enough of it. But, you know, do it without feeling too good about comparing yourself to someone without it. That’s just mean if you do it right in their face, and kind of buys in to the slippery slope of the next point.
Process verses outcome.
Until you are the potent combination of Jeff Bezos (because he is stupid rich), Margot Robbie (because she is stupefyingly stunning), LeBron James (because he is supremely talented), Rhonda Patrick (because she is scintillatingly smart) and Superman (because he’s just simply super), there is always going to be someone better and richer and shinier than you are. Time to get used to that, isn’t it?
Well, evolutionary biology says no. Mostly when it comes to alphas, male AND female. But everyone else on some level too.
And this is because our flow and uptake of serotonin is affected by how we see ourselves compared to the person in our immediate vicinity. The cooler and awesomer we think of ourselves as, the more evidence we have to support that, the higher our status is, and the more our brains produce serotonin to keep us feeling awesome and winning.
And if its not flowing? We tend to be miserable, pouty, slumping loner losers.
Which is a bit grim, I’ll admit. Obviously, we’re talking about a sliding scale here, not some black and white line in the sand. But you get my point, right Shen?
If you have a prominent and open posture, male or female, it is typical of someone who thinks well of themselves and will probably get more opportunities to find more chance to maintain that. Hence, extra serotonin the happiness neurotransmitter. The more you do to keep the winning ball rolling, the more and more it has us happy.
In case it’s a question that comes up, I’m reliably informed by clinical research that this abundance of serotonin isn’t addictive like dopamine can be, but that’s another blog topic… Does that help, Matt? I know you had your question asking face on.
Well, how do we keep our sense of awesomeness peaking, our status legendary, and our posture militarily upright? By pursuing cool achievements by which to show everyone, especially us, that we are great and getting more so by the moment.
You know those old movie cliché’s about the up and coming young executive who wants the promotion and the corner office and the golf weekends with the regional director and blah blah blah? Why on earth would that guy want to bust his gut to do all the terribly unfun stuff needed to earn that position?
Because these days, and for a while now, stuff equals greatness. Outcome is positioned as better than process, because its gets you stuff and a feeling of superiority. And the door plaque means more to that kind of person that the work they do or the people they tread on to get there… (sorry, more movie clichés…)
But if you are earning all this stuff and status, does that mean that’s all there is? Is this it? The climb? Those Jones’ being one step closer to you gratuitously rubbing their nose into YOUR boating monstrosity, that doesn’t have glare, but instead ominously blocks any sun from their dumb, yet perfectly manicured, front lawn? Take that, Jones jerks!!!
Anyway…
What happens when those Smith JERKS move in across the street with their new “something something” that’s so amazing they don’t have enough room on their front lawn for it? Ugh, back to the grindstone.
What if I said that the more you use other people to externally validate yourself, to determine your status, to define your sense of self, the further you get from any true sense of fulfillment. At least until you become that BezosBronRobbieRhondaMan™ anyway. But who’s got the time to do that kind of experimentation in the lab on themselves, really?
If we use corner offices and our scones being the first thing to sell out at the bake sale as the driving force behind how we think well of ourselves, how exhausting and limited does that experience actually sound?
Does it sound like a life you would actually enjoy?
I’m happy to sit here and say that I know I wouldn’t.
But that’s mainly because I find my serotonin spikes elsewhere. Some of those most ecstatically happy people I know don’t do it that way either. Looking at you right now, Matt.
So, if that stuff that sounds exhausting is all outcome based, how we do change the dynamic to make our status process based?
I’m glad you asked, Steph.
Who are you really competing with when it comes to this status climbing?
Is this grading of self based on things outside of you? Or inside of you?
If the bar of which you judge your feeling of greatness keeps moving, who sets and moves that bar?
Is it a company policy? Or the whims of fate concerning what kind of smug arsehole lives next door to you? Is it more to do with how many goals you kicked last weekend compared to your opponent?
Or is more to do with the person you were yesterday? Or last year?
Or the person you are looking to be next year? Who may or may not happen to have some cool shit/epic people to go with it, like an eight figure bank account balance (yes, BEFORE the decimal place guys…), or the Margot Robbie to your LeBron James (or whoever floats your boat in those super subjective combinations…).
But that word subjective is pretty important in this whole discussion.
And, I’m sorry to say, comes back to one of my old trademark questions…
What do you want?
What do YOU want?
What do you want for yourself and your life that is not dictated to you by things outside of yourself?
Is it to find fulfillment in the process of getting that cool shit/epic people into your life?
Is it the process of becoming a person you consider valuable, no matter what the take home pay (after tax, obviously) is for being the fucking best Charli in Archives that ever walked the planet?
THAT is one hell of a way to get your serotonin flowing on a regular basis. Just being a slightly better version of you, from one day to the next?
Seriously, how awesome could your life be if you chose to look at it as something that allows for happiness and status with yourself? Rather than use someone else’s yardstick to tell you if you’ve reached “platinum happy membership status” with the office/golfclub/bookclub/footytipping comp?
Setting the tone for your own sense of value, especially if you’ve always done it on everyone else’s terms, isn’t easy. You need to ask more annoying questions like “Who am I?” and “What’s the meaning of life?”, which frankly sucks the first time. Its hard, and uncomfortable and tedious and frustrating and seemingly counterproductive and, depending on the answers you find compared to the person in the mirror, kind of ugly.
But isn’t that what you’re doing by living on other people’s terms anyway? But worse, for stuff that doesn’t really actually matter to you? How much fun are you really having?
The comparison that most people live their lives with, social media being a just dandy way to really heighten that “my life still is good enough” feeling, is pretty self-defeating. And we have circuits in our brain that want to buy into it, which is pretty rude…
But here’s a chance to use it as part of a more valuable process instead of outcome.
What if, just maybe, but possibly… We used other people and their stuff, not as comparisons to our sucking or amazingness, but as opportunities to see what’s out there for us to find value in? Its no longer about the person who’s got more/less than you, but about the inherent value that YOU YOURSELF find in the process of getting to that place.
If you want a cool boat like the Jones’, that’s fine Phil, go for it mate. But if we change the terms of WHY we want that to becoming a version of yourself that has earned that cool boat, we have won and have serotonin coming out of our ears even before the boat is got.
What do you want?
Who decided you want it?
Why do you want it?
What is it that you are actually working towards in that wanting?
Stuff goes away. So does other people, usually.
Your own sense of self, and the feeling of being your own version of BezosBronRobbieRhondaMan™ can last for as long as you find value in it.
How do you want to feel, and on who’s terms do you want to find that feeling?
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No barfights.
“How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbour says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself, to make it just and holy.” Marcus Aurelius
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