So, have you ever met a person who’s “thing” completely dominates the conversation they have about themselves, with literally anyone else?
My “thing” is self-awareness, and all its nuanced elements that describe that topic when it comes to me, you, people, relationships, past, future, careers, friends, family, kids, pets, mirrors, diets, reactions, responses, money, . You know, the simple stuff.
I simply CANNOT shut up about it… And that’s just me, let alone everyone else.
You’ve probably seen the reactions to the more maligned people who do this. Like vegans and cross-fitters. Especially the brand new, freshly converted ones who, like me, simply won’t shut the hell up about it. We get it Sandy, you hate animal cruelty and not having knee pain. Jeez, get a room with your "new" self identity…
And let’s be honest, this thing? Could be anything.
Meat smoking (looking at you, Luxy…)? How far their netty career could have gone if they didn’t twist that ankle in the grandy with the game on the line, late in the 4th? Left and right identity politics? The worthiness of LeBron James to be in the GOAT debate? How the Myers Briggs personality test describes the human psyche better than the big five?
But how many of you have met someone who has their “thing” go wrong for them?
How much do those things actually dominate their thoughts and impact on their day to day life?
Like that netball example? What if you view the parts of your life since that moment as less, that literally nothing could possibly live up to international stardom that slipped through your fingers, and therefore this pitiful existence you live now is just not what you were meant for?...
Sounds like a former-netball- glory-based form of hell to me. Waking up every day constantly thinking that nothing your life has to offer from that moment on could ever bring the same joy or satisfaction as what could have been. Focussing on things so far out of your control that you simply cant let go of because you cant see value in you or your life beyond that “missed” opportunity…
Yeah, sorry guys. Already on the grim train today. It IS for a reason though. Promise it won’t stay this way.
And that’s just life experiences. What if it’s a medical condition? What if it is genuinely completely out of your control, always was and always will be?
How do we frame that kind of thing in our lives so that it doesn’t completely dominate the landscape of who you are, how you think, how you see yourself?
I have done a lot of work over the years with veterans who have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder. Look it up, its super fun…). Its kind of a big deal when you have it. Because it really messes with who you think you are and how you live your life from then on.
Which people do you think struggle with it the most compared to the people who are relatively across it?
And no, Reg, this isn’t about comparing the severity of experiences, intensity of experiences or even the physical/emotional impact of what brought on their PTSD. That’s not possible, as far as I’m aware, and doesn’t actual help with anything. The fact is, shit happened and PTSD is here. Frankly, that’s more enough.
Anyway…
The people I work with are all dealing with it in their own way, but the distinction that is seen in the people wo appear to be dealing with it well compared to not so well?
Identifying with the condition, as opposed to identifying AS the condition.
The guys who do well are people who have more to them than the condition in and of itself. Yes, its there, yes it makes times in their life harder, yes it requires constant management and vigilance. But that is not ALL THERE IS TO THEM. And they recognise and embrace this, acknowledge and own that they are far far more than four letters and some stigma.
Those that struggle? Well, they progressively make the parts of them that struggle as the primary focus of their existence. And it starts to crystalise them as someone who has nothing else to them that isn’t tainted in some way by what their condition does to them.
Are you a mother? Awesome, that’s because you’ve successfully done one of the coolest things humans can do, make another whole human. Are you JUST a mother, though, when you think of yourself? Worse, do you find being a mother a burden that you feel the need to martyr yourself with?
Are you a father? Cool, hopefully you’re a father that takes care of his family and relishes in that as one of the most powerful things a man can do in this world. But is that all you are? Do you do that because its all you are, or just one of the things that makes you who you are?
Worse, do you ignore the rest of yourself, and use the responsibility of providing as an excuse to feel bad about your lack of having a rest of self?
Are you... I don't know..., a dentist? Is Teeth it? Do you at least have a yacht to hang out with insta models on? Or maybe just a smallish mansion to have your low key"Eyes Wide Shut" parties in? Either way, you do you, but it CANT be just teeth,can it?...
Are you anxious? Or, do you experience anxiety?
Yes, Caleb, there is a huge difference.
Because one of those things is acknowledging a thing you experience.
The other?... is giving away power of self-identity to an experience. One that is supposed to be there as a vaguely well-functioning human. But the more you give it power, the more it uses that power over you.
You are not your emotions.
You are not your thoughts.
You are not your experiences.
You are not your bank account.
You are not the people around you that may validate you in replacement of your own validation.
They are parts of you.
Elements that only hold as much power over you as you are prepared to give it. They just convenient labels you can use to describe parts of yourself sometimes.
Those guys I get to hang out with, with PTSD? The ones who are living their lives, decided (consciously or subconsciously) that it was just an aspect of who they are. And you can do the same.
We all have times in our lives when a thing dominates our thinking and actions. Its normal, because sometimes that “thing” is seriously that important.
But if you spend your time giving away all your power to the condition and experience, then your brain will normalise that experience and continue to do that. You’ll think about it, talk about it, confirmation bias it. Until there isn’t much of you left outside of that “thing”, and you really start to hit those slippery slopes of having that condition or experience be the very excuse of WHY you can’t be more than just that single part of you.
In the end, this is a conversation about power. Power over yourself and who you really are.
You DO get to choose.
It could be the toughest choice you can and will ever make, because the brain loves simplicity. It wants to only have one thing to remember that it can focus on when it comes to what you think about you. It’s “efficient.” Slack bugger…
Who’s more powerful?
An experience that you had that represents an often extremely important, but fractional, part of you?
Or…
The entirety of you? All that you were, are and will be?
You get to choose which You is the more powerful.
Most people instinctively move on from negative things like that. Some don’t.
Some people’s things positively affect their lives. Which is convenient, but can still go too far in cancelling the rest of you.
So, one of my classics…
What do you want?
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.
“Boredom, anger, sadness, or fear are not 'yours,' not personal. They are conditions of the human mind. They come and go. Nothing that comes and goes is you.” Eckhart Tolle
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