So we all have those days that kind of suck.
Or weeks.
Or months.
Or years… (Popular opinion concerning last year is that it sucked. No argument here.)
So some of us go into self-care mode. The idea being that we accept that without caring for ourselves, things get way worse.
But is there a difference between caring for ourselves and doing something that makes us feel good in the moment to push aside the bad feeling?
I mean, I could see why they would seem like the same thing.
That Karen who demanded a refund at the store today because her frozen vegetables she bought 3 hours ago before leaving them in the car to go to lunch with the other Karen’s (I don’t know what the plural of Karen’s is… A committee? A Shriek? An Entitlement? A Manager?), is now attempting to return them because they aren’t frozen anymore and that is, frankly, UNACCEPTABLE (bonus points if you read that in Lemongrab’s voice, but I’ll understand if you have no idea of who the hell I’m talking about) and is calling you various unsavoury words because you are quite rightly telling her that stupidity is no grounds for a return policy, let alone a refund. Weirdly, the experience kind of annoys and frustrates you.
So, what do you do?
Get drunk?
Get your nails done?
Oooo, how about a fresh do?
Have a bit of Netflix time?
As valuable as those things can feel, especially in the moment, are they necessarily the things that add value to your life and help you become more resilient in the face of the Karen onslaught?
Or are they things that create a superficial distraction from a negative feeling state brought on by someone else’s shitty attitude/behaviour/douche-baggery that we may or may not be taking personally?
Okay, so if we feel shitty because of said douche-baggery, and we acknowledge that there’s not really much we can do about someone else’s behaviour, what else is there?
I mean, we COULD punch them in the face and tell them they smell, have no friends, they’re ugly and their name is Nigel. But the manager might actually have something to say about that, even before they hear the ridiculousness out of said Karen’s mouth…
OR, we could look at our own self and our own feeling state as the place to start.
“What would that look like?” I hear you reasonably and politely questions, most un-Karen-like. “If someone super annoying is throwing salt right in our faces, what can we do about that?”
I’m glad you asked Rosita.
First, do you think this would be happening to the person who greeted them and their slightly less polite than usual request if it was on your day off?
I’d say probably. If not definitely. But maybe you have one of those faces, at which point I can’t really help you, you’re going to catch some shade… Sorry.
Well, if that’s true, is it really about you? Good. Then you can choose to not let them make it about you. Which I’ll admit is tough when shrieking harpy beasts are in your face, but that’s how things are anyway, so how about we try something different.
Happy with that? If their feelings and behaviour isn’t your responsibility, unless you allow them to make it yours, then wouldn’t that mean that your feelings and behaviours ARE your responsibility?
Look, I’m happy to admit that this is the very simplified version of my point, but we’re getting there. Slowly.
It also may need saying, its not that you have to tolerate that behaviour either, because it IS shitty, and needs calling out. But doing that from a place of self-awareness and responding rather than triggered reaction probably leaves you in a far better place during and after the to-do.
Anyway…
Second, asking the simple question of yourself about why you found their behaviour so… ugly, and why that had the potential to trigger you, might be worth the asking. When it comes to the Karen example, its pretty obvious, but sometimes its not so much.
Why are your emotions where they ended up and what is it within you that came up to get them there? What is it about xyz that made you happy/sad/incandescent with the fiery rage of a thousand suns capable of scorching earth as long as it takes zyx with it?
Maybe Dad didn’t come to your games of footy ever, so now you can’t trust men who have muttonchop’s and flannelette shirts with anything more than “sharing” a packet of cigarettes that you paid for but left in their hands. Maybe your first boyfriend liked listening to bagpipes when you had sex in his room while his parents watched law and order, so now you can’t enjoy intimacy without some plaid in the room and your version of dirty talk is a Scottish accent telling you that you’re a bonny wee lass. Or whatever. You know. Stuff.
Point being, Angus, is that without addressing why you may feel how you feel, it’s a triggerable feeling that may have a reaction that doesn’t serve you. How’s that working out for us all?
Third, (and this is where self-care ACTUALLY matters) looking at yourself and how you feel, and caring about how you feel enough to come to terms with and address how and why you feel like that. Looking at yourself and asking how you want to feel.
And if there’s maybe, possibly, potentially, on the off chance, perhaps, but by no means certainly, some things in you that need exploring and coming to terms with so that those feelings can be acknowledged and felt and processed and expressed constructively. You know, without necessarily demanding of yourself you smoke Karen with a sharp cross to the jowls before a quick rear naked choke so she cant say ridiculous shit anymore while quietly waiting for the police to arrive.
And that’s hard to do in the moment. But that’s okay. It’s the step back and reflection afterwards that gives us the space to feel and consider things. That’s where self-care happens.
If I said that self-care might really be about getting to know yourself better, so you can just be yourself, but better, would that make sense?
Doing something nice for yourself IS good. Cutting yourself some slack IS good.
But if you’re doing stuff to trigger a better feeling to just simply replace that feeling you don’t want any more? Well, does that genuinely help things to be better? Or just soothed and forgotten?
Does it help address the how’s and whys? Or distract from things?
Maybe your self-reflection happens in that pampering bath you made for yourself, looking at your feelings and stuff, bath bombs slowly turning you blue, sparkly and bubble-gum smelling?
Maybe you go and get your hair or nails done because you nail tech/hairdresser is a GREAT listener who has insight beyond their pay grade?
Maybe you go down the pub after the argument with your boss because the boys get it and give you a chance to vent and do the classic male “fix it” mode once you’ve got shit off your chest?
Maybe you need to go to the beach and do some journaling to see what comes out for you, so its out and you can look at what you wrote in an attempt to puzzle out more of who you really are?
All of that is great. Whatever it happens to be is great, as long as its reinforced and used as a method to genuinely care for yourself rather than just try and replace one feeling with another.
Telling you from experience, from many occasions, if you don’t take and use the power to care about yourself, others are more than happy to take it and abuse it to helps themselves feel better (looking at you, Karens…)
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.
“In our blissful swirl of self-interruption we forget some days are about surviving, while some are about thriving.” Dean Cocozza
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