Morning guys.
‘Sup Kevin.
Everyone, you’re just going to have to imagine the slight, upwards “tough guy” nod Kevin and I just gave each other. It was very gangster, because that is definitely how Kevin and I roll. Definitely.
But you guys aren’t here and don’t need to hear about my dark secrets about the tough underbelly I live in with Kevin.
So, moving on…
Have you ever heard the saying “blood is thicker than water”?
What do you think it means?
Most consider it to mean that family is more important than what is shared with those other than family. Those of your blood are more important than those of the community well. Or something like that.
Would it surprise you to know that the original saying reads “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”? Kind of puts a different spin on it, doesn’t it…
Religious undertones aside, its attempting to suggest that those you choose to have commonality with are tighter bound than those you are associated with by coincidence.
Which isn’t a particularly nice thing to say about your family, but there you go. With that said though, if I was running a Kickstarter for my new religion, I’d be trying to position it’s point of worship and binding value as more important than anything else that might be in potential followers lives too.
But there I go again, being all cynical…
Anyway…
What groups do you choose to associate with? Which people?
Do they bring value to your life, and vice versa?
Are they an endless source of awkward moments and angst?
Or a sense of belonging and understanding that isn’t found anywhere else?
Well, who do you get that from?
I’ve had a couple of different discussions with people on either side of the fence when it comes to the greater sense of positive value coming from friends or family.
One of these chats was cultural in their reasoning. And I think that’s quite common in a lot of cultures, and probably in regard to worship too.
Hearing about the thing that people will do for family because it is THE DONE THING was quietly impressive in terms of how much these people were prepared to subjugate themselves when it came to the demands and cultural expectations of the family. And even the entitlement when it came to boundaries and how it didn’t apply to members of the family.
And yet, other discussions were about how the genuine feeling they have for their family was literally irreplaceable. They were their people and as fulfilling in their personal sense of belonging and love as could be hoped for. You know, what you want family to be.
Either way, it is still a binding sense of love and/or obligation that makes it so irreplaceable or inescapable.
And maybe those feelings are based on that culturally orientated behaviour, regardless of if those are positive or negative feelings.
And maybe those feelings are based on the actual people you are dealing with that allow for family to be viewed as positive or negative influences in your life.
I say this, being very aware that there IS ups and downs to everyone and everything. Aunty Marge is a lovely person for the most part, but good grief that carry on at Babette’s wedding was another level. I mean, who’s “allergic” to broccoli? Really? And isn’t it convenient that after years of not eating it because you don’t like it, Marge, that it has suddenly become an allergy when the catering staff have served in with the salmon you asked for (it said it right there on the menu too, when you rsvp’d and ticked the box with the Atlantic cod with baby carrots and broccoli sauteed with mustard seeds)… And that’s not even bringing up the fact that she wore a WHITE dress to a wedding that wasn’t hers.
In fairness though, that is a pretty good arm on the woman. Throwing the plate at the wall, whilst successfully still having all the food on it as it flew, from across the room, was quietly impressive.
But there is a similar conversation to be had about friends too.
Do you still pick your friends? Or are you stuck with them because they are the people you’ve known for the longest even though you, frankly, think they suck?
Or are they the family you would have picked if the choice was offered from day one? The people who provide that sense of belonging and value that we all need as humans wanting to be happy?
Maybe we pick our friends better when we don’t have the family that gives us that? Maybe we lean into them harder because we are compelled to lean into something, and a peer group is wherever can we find it.
Family, friends, sporting teams, bridge club, “good time” friends, harry potter fan club, civil war recreationist group, all of the above.
Wherever you find your people, is where you find them. The idea that is HAS to be from this group or that, I personally think, is limiting of the richness of experience that could be found in human interaction.
Has anyone heard of the idea that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend most of your time with? Mario, you have? Cool.
Well, if that IS true, for the sake of argument, what’s your average like?
Is it lower or higher because the people you chose some time ago aren’t actually adding value to your life, quite the opposite? And any value you might add to theirs is just not a thing? Well, beyond picking them up from the pub when they can’t get home themselves and you forgot to put your phone on silent so now its 2:30am and you may have to clean vomit out of the back seat in the morning… Enablement smells like dried vomit apparently.
In those circumstances, does it matter if they are family or long-time friend or captain of the quidditch team?
Having a groomsman who has been your childhood friend for 25 years is great, but if he’s trying to score with each of the bridesmaids in turn, literally on the dance floor, how is that working out for all concerned? Especially after that absolute debacle where Marge threw her plate at the wall. Who knew that the security detail included in the wedding package would be needed not once, but twice? Great investment in the end, but honestly… It’s a wedding, you animals!
I’m lucky enough that I have a younger brother who is also one of the best friends I’ve got. But that’s no accident, I feel.
As always, my point is one of two. Sometimes both.
Today, its both.
Who are you?
Are you a person who allows people with ties to you, to make your life harder than is reasonable?
Or are you a person who considers why people are important to you, because their behaviour, and yours, means something to each of your lives?
What do you want?
Are you someone who gives their power away to people who abuse it, regardless of the reasoning of why you might be supposed to give that power away?
Is that something that you want, or are even remotely happy with?
Who are your people?
Why are they your people?
Good luck, because these questions are rarely comfortable… The answers, the genuine answers anyway, are often even less so.
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.
“It is good people who make good places.” Anna Sewell
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