Iso is what you make of it. Hearing stories on facey about everyone living their best lives doing cosplay bin runs, reading up a storm, watching that super interesting Netflix series, having virtual drinks with the crew.
That’s cool for them. Looks good on social media, but what else isn’t going on there?
And what about you? How are you living up to the high standard set on social media? Or are you quite reasonably choosing to pre-emptively hibernate through the winter so you can emerge the fabulously slim but starving and super cranky bear that finally comes out of its governementally regimented cave stay?
That’s about what you do though.
How does Rona based iso make you feel?
Have you always been a bit of a hermit? Or is this a new and awkward phase of life where you get to be confronted by exactly how much you rely on the interaction with other humans to help us ignore who we really are and how life really is for us? I mean, pyjamas ARE really comfy, but is that enough to placate the sense of existential dread that being isolated from friends and family and our old routine brings on?
No, Liam, I didn’t wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Just asking questions dude…
Humans are inherently social animals. We do our best work in gangs. Or communities. Or tribes. Whatever. We were built for it. Its why many longitudinal studies suggest that a key component of living a long healthy life is connection and a sense of genuine belonging with the people around you.
Cool, awesome, great to hear. What does that actually mean though?
Hands up who knows what serotonin is?
No Mel, its not that new painkiller you got prescribed the other day.
Weeeeelll, I mean, it sort of is?... But not in that way.
Serotonin is the neurochemical responsible for happiness and satisfaction and achievement and fulfilled purpose. It’s a bit more complicated than that, but it always is with me isn’t it?
Serotonin is released in a few ways, one of which is when there is genuinely satisfying connective interaction with other people. Its why we actually want to do it. It makes us, them and everyone around us better.
There is also a mechanic where you get more serotonin flowing if you are higher up on the social status ladder, but that’s definitely another post. Being alpha isn’t JUST because your ego is too big for your boots… Those people are usually beta’s anyway. And that’s is most definitely another post…
So, “how the hell is this boring stuff about brain sludge related to me being at home creating an epic arse dent in my couch?!?” I hear you ask. Fair question. A bit moody, but fair.
Where does that moodiness come from though?
Are you… (dun dun DUUUUN) LONELY?
Is that annoying you?
Why are you lonely and other people aren’t?
Are they lonely too, but putting up a brave front?
They have people in their homes, but are they fulfilled in that environment? I hope they are, bit of a shame for those other people if they aren’t…
Which brings us (finally…) to the point of this today.
What’s the difference between being isolated and being lonely?
We are all currently isolated. That’s just simply being away from people. Its not great, as those serotonin mentions I dropped before suggested. But we can survive that. Because while we aren’t around people, we often forget that YOU are people too.
I get it, it’s just not the same. And you’re right, up to a point.
But this is the point. We are all isolated up to a point, but are we all lonely?
No.
And you wont generally see those un-lonely people on social media.
Because they have a people (yes, I meant what I wrote) to be with. Them.
And here is the real difference. They actually LIKE that people they’re forced to spend time with.
They live in their own heads with themselves and genuinely enjoy their own company.
They add value to themselves, they read, they grow they are busy fulfilling THEMSELVES in their life’s purpose. They HAVE a life’s purpose. And it looks like making themselves the most awesome version of that person they have to be with all the time forever.
Yes, Steve, I know it sounds like I’m talking about schizophrenia. No, Steve, I’m not…
When all the usual trappings of living life as you used to are gone, what’s left? No more watercooler chats about (insert new Netflix series name here), big Saturday nights at the pub with Shazza and the girls, flirty gym sessions with that hottie in the (awesome for you, not great for her) see-through tights?
Where are you in that, if you didn’t have that stuff? How hard did you really lean on it so you didn’t actually have to think about who you are, what you want, where the hell you’re going in life…
(Yeah, sorry guys. Another one of those blogs…)
When its just you, and there’s only so much you can do in your house, and you haven’t set yourself up to be able to coexist with yourself without other people and things to distract yourself with, you get lonely. And it sucks.
If you know someone who is that stereotypical pre-Rona, isolationist and depressed person who doesn’t leave the house because of, well, people, you start to have some idea of what I’m talking about might look like.
I’ve talked about depression before, and I believe there are many different versions of it, and even more causes. The reason I bring it up now is because loneliness is one of the causes and symptoms.
When you don’t see the value in you, the things you do that would affirm the best version of you, what are you left with when you are isolated?
You don’t connect with anyone, even when you aren’t in iso, because deep down you realise that YOU don’t even like you, why on earth would anyone else? So you either avoid people (hence the stereotypical example before) or live on a superficial level that’s just engaging enough to be distracting from the question you really don’t want to answer.
THIS is why you’re lonely. This is why it hurts. This is why its scary and depressing and difficult to live with.
I’ve wondered to myself before about those gurus and mystics that live as a hermit and have pilgrims and truth seekers trudge up colossal mountains to see them. You know what I mean, the eastern Asian guy in the turban with his legs crossed in the “meditation pose”, in his cave on the mountain face.
How does that guy not get lonely? There can’t be THAT many pilgrims willing to climb to see him that his social calendar is surprisingly full right?...
Well, it begs the question about what that guy is doing up there I the first place. If we are social animals, and we work better in packs, why would he choose to be a guru-based lone wolf?
Purpose. Meaning. Why.
He has pursuits beyond his immediate sense of feeling. Maybe he does feel lonely sometimes. I do too. But his sense of fulfillment, of contemplating the workings of the universe and what the hell is it all about, really, when you get right down to it, gives him meaning beyond who he hits up for hangs on Friday night.
Sorry guys. If you’re lonely in iso, it’s probably because you haven’t found something beyond the distractions your life has been made up of till now to placate the lack of serotonin pumping human interaction.
When I first brought up serotonin, I mentioned a couple of other things that get it going. Can you remember what they were?
Yes, Oleg, satisfaction and achievement.
How do we get those things?
By doing valuable and worthwhile things. Like living towards a why maybe?
Okay, I promise I won’t bang that drum for too long this time around.
BUT, regardless of what is going on around you, brain sludge produced by yourself by doing things and moving towards things that are valuable TO yourself, do a hell of a lot to make up for the other ways we aren’t getting those serotonin hits right now.
If you are lonely, there are things you can do to not feel quite so shit. Do worthwhile stuff for yourself, that might actually benefit others (eventually, anyway…) as well does a lot.
A part of you, a part of everyone including me, thinks that sounds dumb and pointless right now.
Making yourself more valuable to yourself is never dumb. You just haven’t had enough practice to convince yourself that its not dumb and is actually worth it yet.
And that’s okay. Everyone has to start somewhere.
It’s a good thing you’ve got a bit of time on your hands to wonder what your purpose is and try out some stuff that might actually move you in the vague direction of that.
What else have you got to do right now?
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.
“If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.” Jean-Paul Sartre
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