Morning guys. Or whatever time it is for you on this fine day for blog reading.
So… To start off a little ungently here.
Who among us says stuff that gets heard very differently than we had otherwise intended?
I know I do. In quite a few different ways. Sian, you too? And you Kyler. Can’t say I’m surprised there, mate, nuance isn’t your strong suit. But I, personally, appreciate your directness.
At least a few of us then.
Well, what actually happened in the end there?
You were arrested and convicted of verbally abusing a police officer, you say? Yeeesh, that’s pretty solid consequences there. I mean, it could have been a misunderstanding I suppose. But is yelling “You can’t pull me over! Or treat me like this! I know my rights!! My taxes pay your wages!!! Technically that’s my sidearm in that holster!!!! Give me my gun, now!!!!!" REALLY a misunderstanding? Or were you taking things a little too far there, Nick…
Anyway…
What happens when our intentions are above board and pure with the language and tone and energy we use while communicating? And its still heard a certain way?
Well, two trains of thought there.
Us on the one train.
Them on the other.
Which from a very philosophical, but still relevant point of view, is the problem. Regardless of where the misunderstanding stemmed, the very idea of us and them immediately creates on oppositional situation that mean we are contentions over perceived events and intentions.
Or, to put it simpler, they think you suck and you think they suck, and now we are on opposite teams of the great suckbowl of yesterday afternoon at the servo when you asked if your perceived suckee was in line to pay. (Honestly, the slightest things we can find division with… but that’s tribalism for you.)
In a nutshell, hearing the same thing but interpreting it differently means there is division in meaning, and this is when the various versions of responses people really comes in to play.
And so we’re back on the two trains conversation.
Us train first.
What did we mean? Were we actually trying to play on this persons insecurities by mentioning that the colour shirt they had on looked good on them, implying and triggering the reactions from the idea that no other colour in the history of clothing HAS looked good on them? How very dare us…
Could we have possibly known that that was going to be the interpretation and reaction to your casual compliment about someone’s choice of attire? Unlikely.
I mean, if you did, would you have made that comment in an attempt to bolster their confidence about their insecurities about how they feel about their clothes? So, if your intent was to say something you were intending as positive, gets heard negatively whether you knew how they felt about fashion or not, was there anything you could do about how it was heard? Not really…
Well, what about not saying anything? I mean, you could do that. But how far does that go?
Do we avoid communication on all sorts of levels for fear that what we say is heard poorly?
That’s sounding more and more shit as I write it.
Okay, what about being super clear and descriptive about what we mean? (This is the direction I personally took myself in, because I’d rather over explain that be misunderstood and not be heard how I intended). Guess how that worked out for me?... “Dude, your just making noise. Waffling. Make your point.” Okay, so I did. “Good grief, what does that even mean?” Yep, miss the over-explaining now, don’t you!... And that was how it sat for me. Used to anyway.
But then, we start to realise how much power we give away to other people about what we intend and the never-ending attempt to conform to how we think they’ll hear what we say.
The point is, how much do we dilute what we mean, our truth and value and integrity, just so we don’t get someone making confused/indifferent/angry/constipated faces back at us?
Is our truth and intention really about them?
What if we are speaking with someone who will never hear it? Never actually understand our point of view, really and honestly, ever? No matter how we phrase or frame it because they just don’t see the world in the same way we do? Really, does anyone, will anyone, ever see the world exactly the same way we do? Should we take that personally? Being on a different level that someone else is a thing that we can really do something about by using mere words to impact in that direction?
Have I sufficiently painted the futility of the picture here?
Is them misunderstanding you, if you have as positive intentions as possible for worthwhile communication, really your fault? Is it theirs?
No. On both counts.
So, what do we do about that?
The short version is, say it how it makes sense to you. Because there’s not really any other way to say it. Say it your way. They’ll either meet you, or they won’t. If it matters enough, you can try a couple of different ways to frame it, but ultimately, if those don’t work, leave it as people being different. Not right or wrong, better or worse, smarter or dumber, higher or lower. Just different. Own our part in that and move on.
“Okay, but what if I’M the one being spoken too like I’m a piece of shit by a colossal squid jerk who sprays hateful and hurtful vitriolic ink around like some kind of douche-y insult gun in meat popsicle form?” you may reasonably ask, with no projection in that descriptive denunciation whatsoever…
Well, two things there Sybil.
First, what kind of a day were you having before this? What kind of week? Year? Life? Were you treated particularly badly by someone who looked a little like squid ink insult man, and anyone with that face is now viewed and heard with extreme suspicion until proven neutral… (Because they will never be positively viewed. They have squid insult guy face, after all… Neutral can be considered not immediately suspect, but far from trusted. The squiddy bastard…). If our perceptions and interpretations are such that the world is out to get us, or so we are taught, then it makes sense to be on guard at all times. Fairly reasonable, really. But what if that’s not always the case? Do we want to be wound that tightly that we can’t NOT let some else’s dickhole-ry make our lives more contentious and harder than it needs to be?
Is it much fun living that way? Giving away power over our feeling state to some squiddish prick? Let alone anyone who may accidentally look like him? Or talk about something that he also talked about towards you?
If they did mean it, how much power do you want to give them in their need to swing their tentacles around? Because if they meant it, that is EXACTLY the reaction they’re looking for. Taking our control away of ourselves and dictating to us how we feel.
And if they didn’t mean it (Which I would argue the vast majority of people don’t)? Do we really want to feel a certain way within ourselves because someone who had no idea that we’d take things a certain way said something that we’ve almost intentionally misinterpreted on a subconscious level because we are playing out self-worth issues within ourselves about it?
I mean, at least squid-jerk-wad was actively TRYING to take our power. There’s at least an excuse for that. But if we are just GIVING it away without any context or investigation?...
Misunderstandings can be taken or left as we decide. Intentional or not, grievous or not, like with everything else, we still get to choose.
So. What do we choose?
Keep our power over ourselves about who we are and how we express that?
Or lose it, dependent on someone else we cannot control the actions and perceptions of.
We have control over how we express ourselves.
We have control over how we perceive others.
Misunderstandings don’t need to be a thing beyond two people seeing things differently.
Pick where you spend your time and energy and power.
Its all you really ever have.
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” George Bernard Shaw
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