So, theres this cool book. Called the four agreements. It’s pretty cool.
Weirdly, it talks about 4 things. Agreements if you will.
They’re called agreements because they are things you are asked to accept and own and agree with in order to live a smoother life.
Sounds good so far, right? “Only 4 things?!?! Easy! Sign me up for winning in life,” I hear you cry.
Yeah, then why hasn’t everyone done it already? Good question Ellie, but I suspect you know the answer to that already. Partly because you’re smarter than that, and partly because I rarely bash on about stuff that’s easy peasy fixed and done.
Yup, its one of those ones today guys. Sorry in advance (but not really).
Of those 4 agreements, I’m going to focus on the second one today, otherwise known as → DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY ← (if you could read that in some sort of resounding God voice in your head, it’ll sound waaaay more impressive)
I bring this up today, because it’s a hell of a learning curve that some people around me are currently learning the hard way. Which is of course the funnest way, but also the most effective way, to learn about yourself…
Before I go much further…
Yes, I learned this the hard way too. No, there’s no real shortcut to it. Yes, everyone has to learn it. No, learning it in one aspect of your life doesn’t necessarily mean it just happens in all the other areas of your life. Yes, there are some lucky bastards who learned this much MUCH sooner than the majority, which is why we all know that one person who doesn’t really get into arguments or seem to be affected by other peoples bullshit.
Right. Clear? No, Nick, that doesn’t mean its always their fault. That is exactly the point.
Anyway…
The idea behind not taking anything personally is because it work on the premise that you get to think and feel how you want to think and feel, regardless of what that bitch Sharon said about our dress last week that made you miserable all week and now you don’t know what to wear to cocktails because she’ll be there with her dress that she got from the EXACT SAME PLACE AS YOU, even though you have better manners than to say she looks like a string wrapped ham with cottage cheese “crust” while wearing it, even if she doesn’t those same said manners.
The point is, you don’t have to listen to her. You just don’t.
Because, and here’s there real value, why on earth would you listen to someone who is CLEARLY projecting?
Why would she say something so offensive as that about your dress?
Why would they say those horrific things about the op-shop shoes you wore to Mad Monday, as though you cared about what Richie Benaud wore on his feet in the commentary box back in the 70s even though you absolutely NAILED the blue safari suit he used to rock?
Why would you listen to slurs used against you when they don’t know you in the slightest beyond who they think you might be?
We only take those things personally because we have given them the power to affect how we think and feel about ourselves.
And what they throw at us is often a fairly accurate representation of how they feel about themselves. And that poison has to go somewhere, and they can only throw it at themselves so much.
And then here we turn up, giving away power to other people’s opinion like its confetti, which for that kind of person is just a HUGE target on your back, ripe for some stabbing with other people’s insecurities…
Sounds great, right?
Now, admittedly, not everyone who says mean stuff is intentionally being mean. They may not realise they’re doing it. Which sucks for all concerned, and turns into a conversation about ego and shadow and all that jazz, which I’m sure you guys have heard enough about for now.
Or, they may be offering genuine advice and constructive criticism. But out own insecurities turn it into the meanest things you have ever had said to you. But that’s only a thing because you’ve given power away to those insecurities, which probably started way back somewhere when a person/magazine/music video/celebrity said or did something or existed in such a way as to question your own validity within yourself.
Nutshell, you took something personally, and sat with it as something that is genuinely representative of you, a part of you, of who you fundamentally are, and believed that shit, and then found all sorts of other examples to make it more true, and now everything forever is personal… Brutal way to live there. Are you having fun yet?
Have I done enough to describe how much fun taking things personally isn’t, yet?
This “don’t take things personally” stuff, to me, centers on one key point.
Who do you think is the center of the universe?
Or, to read in a different way… How healthy is your ego?
The idea that YOU are the centre of the universe is fraught with danger. Ego running wild with self-aggrandisement, which is usually the sort of thing that ends up projecting all sorts of stuff onto other people to maintain that belief that you are, indeed, the universes center and everything is just a plaything to affirm that. Sometimes that’s called narcissism. Again though, don’t take things personally. Said minions towing your line doesn’t actually mean you are God-Emperor of mankind to play with lives as you see fit… More likely, they’ve been bullied into that narrative your ego is living it up as.
The opposite side of that polarising idea is that you are the centre of THEIR universe, or that they're the centre of yours is where things start to break down and you give all your power away... At that point, what you think and feel is irrelevant when compared to the actions that you choose to take personally. Feeling like that when someone obviously more important has other things to say about you… Well, it’s basically bullying, but with a certain amount of enablement by our own selves. Which suck a bit, doesn’t it? Not saying you are chose it, but taking what is put towards you as personal… That is where we give power away to allow it to continue…
The recognition and belief that you are the centre of YOUR universe and deserve to be treated that way, specifically by you and for you, is imperative to you living the life you want.
How do you want to live?
Does that matter enough?
There’s no rule you have to listen to a damned word anyone, me and my examples included, have to say. At all. EVER.
You don’t?
Good! You’re not taking it personally. You can choose to take it as the well intentioned advice and feedback its intended as.
If you don’t listen and tell me to eat a big bag of Willy Wonka patented Bag-O-Dicks, that’s fine. I promise i won’t take it personally.
If you listen and follow it and it works out, great. I won’t take that personally either.
You get to choose what you do and don’t listen to, what you interpret as worth taking on or not. Moe often than not, it doesn’t have anything to do with you.
And if it does (and you’re not an arsehole), then asking the question about why this person would do something malicious towards you, can give you the distance needed to make the choice that they’ve got some stuff going on that you get to chose to not take personally and get on with winning.
So, get on with winning.
But, don’t take it personally if you don’t today. Try again tomorrow.
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.
“People love to judge, get used to it and stop taking it personally.” Kathryn Budig
Comments