I’ve brought this up once or twice before, but I think it’s a subject that deserves a bit more poking and prodding than it’s gotten so far. It usually comes up when we talk about sympathetic nervous systems and the old caveman stuff that stress, and all its lovely triggers and reactions, bring out of us.
So, what’s something that you completely and unassailably believe about yourself? Or the world? Or how it should work? Come on Val, there’s plenty of things you could name right now. I KNOW you have “opinions” on how Sal makes the tea at bingo. Anyone within 3 tables can hear them…
We could talk about pro/anti plant based, identity politics, climate change, capitalism vs socialism, pirate’s vs ninja’s, the correct order to make tea in, Sal!!! Or even something trivial like how you see yourself and what kind of person you think you are vs who you really are.
See? Trivial…
The subject doesn’t actually matter, it’s got more to do with how you see yourself relative to that subject and what lengths you’re prepared to go to maintain that view of yourself. Its… a long way in a lot of cases. As an example, look at the extremities of left and right-wing politics for a pretty decent case study.
Actually, don’t. It’s a hell of a rabbit hole that will probably not make you happier to be a human, regardless on which side you might lean towards. But that, ironically, is the point of safe and right. Seriously, the lengths people will go to to not be wrong are awe inspiring.
That might be waaaay too positive a word to describe this, but it never ceases to amaze me.
And we all do it. Literally all. Yes, once again, even you Darren. No, I wont debate you about it either. Yes, you’ll find out why I wont in a second.
Have you ever met that person who is just so stubborn about everything that its almost worth not talking to them about anything of note? I know we all have. Mine is called Glenn.
Why do you think they are like that? What brings a person to be that bloody contentious that they would rather be isolated and alone than able to hold a reasonable conversation with other humans about subjects that will never be solved in the space of a single interaction?
The short answer: Insecurity.
Long, annoyingly convoluted and “personally attacking” answer: The desperate need to believe that their views and opinions are valid, reasonable and tangible extensions of them and their self-worth. And the continuing belief that anything that contradicts their view of themselves and the world is a threat that must be extinguished and discredited at all costs.
Can you see where the word safe is edging its way into this subject yet?
I spoke about overthinking last week, and on the stress response it is being driven by anxiety caused by the world turning out not very nicely for us. I say not very nicely, I mean freaking awful. Kidnapped by pirates AND ninja’s awful. Like, how bad a person have you been for pirates and ninjas to put aside their age old enmity and finally collaborate in an ironically harmonious mix of drunkenness and stealth just to come after you? No, seriously, what did you do?!?
When you are driven by ego, in order to validate yourself and your self-worth, your opinions HAVE to be better than everyone else’s. How else do you think of yourself as a valuable person? By turning everything into a way to make you safe in your self opinion. What’s more, what makes this stuff really ramp up, is that no one can tell you that this is what you’re doing. Why would anyone who thinks that way about themselves want to hear an opinion that is not only contrary to what they think, but completely shatters the very ground they’ve built their personality on?
And so, confirmation bias finally rears its ugly, sneering, haughty, dismissive and troll-like head. If you’ve ever heard of this, you have a decent idea of what this safe and right subject really boils down to. If you don’t? I am genuinely sorry in advance. I’m about to make your life harder, because once you’ve seen it in others, let alone yourself, you can’t unsee it. Liam, you have been warned. And watch out for Darren, he’s not going to like this…
Confirmation bias is that trait we all have, to a greater or lesser degree, that means that when we hold a particular view of something that seems fundamental to how we see ourselves and the world, we only go looking for information that confirms what we already think to make us more correct…
The best bit? When you are presented with evidence that contradicts your belief about self and world, you dig your heels in even harder. Full discredit mode, embodying that troll head with all the bells and whistles we can muster to make sure we aren’t wrong. I mentioned climate change before. Sound familiar? Regardless of who is right or wrong, you’ve seen this play out before. I believe there's even a website you can visit that has such a database of scientific evidence that you can type in an opinion and will be instantly provided with referenceable studies to prove you point. NO MATTER WHAT YOU ASK IT!!! This only exists because of how seriously some people take being right...
Have you ever heard stories about domestic violence, where the perpetrator says something along the lines of “look at what you made me do?!?” What reason would the person have to blame the victim do you think? No, that is a genuine question. Why?
What do you think the person who does it thinks of themselves? How many people really honestly believe that they are terrible people who do terrible things? Some do. They are usually fine with being in prison, I'm told.
Did Hitler believe he was evil, despite evidence to the contrary? Not to my knowledge. But, they have to rationalise their atrocious behaviour somehow. So, you hear “THEY made me angry, they knew what would happen” or “the ( insert group name) were (insert marginalising slur here), it was my national duty to (insert war crime here)” or “no, they’re the ones who are terrible by doing blah blah blah, so they totally deserved it”… We’ve all heard that rubbish before, but hopefully it makes a bit more sense as to why what seems to be a normal human can say those things with a straight face and without a shred of obvious guilt.
Safe and right. To feel safe in themselves about their views and ego, they go out of their way to make themselves right and justified in their superiority. Messed up, huh… But we all do it. Sigh... Yes Darren, STILL you…
Now, these examples are kind of the more extreme versions. Most people’s versions are a little less blatant.
Today I met a very nice chap by the name of Dulshan. If Dulshan believes himself to be a good and virtuous person, there’s nothing wrong with that. Very admirable in fact. Especially if he consistently acts on it in a meaningful way. But how many people does he tell about it, so that they can confirm and reinforce his belief of himself as that kind of person? What if he ever does something that ISNT quite so nice and virtuous? What if he finally lost patience with the little old lady he was carrying the grocery bag for, because she stopped to fondle the fruit at ANOTHER grocery store, and he “accidentally” shoulder checked her into the avocados so that way she can fondle all of the damned things all at the same time… Does he ignore it to maintain his self-opinion? Or does he outsource responsibility for his behaviour, so as to continue to believe that HE is still that person, it was just other people who made him do something that wasn’t quite like his usual self.
Honestly, a large part of my own story was about not identifying with anger. “I’m not angry or aggressive” is something I told myself a lot, and I choked down a lot of reactions that would have been an angry response to things. Regardless of if those reactions were justified or not, right or wrong, I refused to acknowledge that I had those emotions come up for me. And to make myself right in that belief I held of myself, I swallowed every bitter bit of that emotion down and supressed it until it affected me in other ways. I started associating anything that could trigger that emotion as something to avoid. How do you stand up for yourself if you don’t pay attention to how you feel when your standards have been transgressed? That’s was a serious question I had to ask myself in the end. And even asking it depends on how far you’ve let safe and right go and if you’re prepared to genuinely look at yourself.
Safe is used to drive the pursuit of right, so as not to actually have a good hard look at yourself. Right is used to justify the safe, because then you’re allowed to do and say what you need to, to feel secure in yourself.
And there we go with that word again.
We are all insecure about something. Sometimes about our place in the world. Sometimes about how un-informed we are about something. Usually about who we are deep down, and really not wanting to know we are more/less than that in some positive or negative way. (That positive and negative stuff isn’t really true, but that’s another couple of blog topics)
We all have insecurity, but safe and right is about what thoughts and behaviours we use to manage that freaking uncomfortable insecurity.
What are you prepared to do to avoid the stress of having your sense of self challenged?
Do those thoughts and behaviours serve you?
Do they help you grow in your sense of self? Or do they keep you as you are?
Do you even know this stuff is there?...
There’s value in both, but it’s a matter of deciding where you want to put your attention and effort.
Staying who you are? Or potentially being more?
How authentic are we really being if we engage in confirmation bias, limiting ourselves and self-awareness?
We’ve all met a Darren and Glenn, but are you one yourself in your own way?
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No barfights.
“With enough mental gymnastics, just about any fact can become misshapen in favour to one's confirmation bias.” - Criss Jami
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