So, I was daydreaming about stuff and things the other day. As I do. Not always when I’m driving. Promise…
I’ve always had this question about what seem to be two polarising aspects of the… mental and spiritual health world (because I simply couldn’t think of a better and not-long-winded thing to call it…).
Are we supposed to focus on self acceptance, or self development?
Because for a long time they seemed like the opposite approach to what is aimed at mental health. Black and white. Up and down. Day and night. Left wing and right wing. Tupac and Biggy.
If you are aimed at self development, how can you possibly be accepting of yourself? We know we are this sucky, pointless and, above all, useless meat popsicle (just for you Caris…) that is forever flawed and is always fighting uphill against the miasma that is the life you’ve created. I mean, surely no one else is so reprehensible that they just have bread STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BAG for dinner while watching Netflix documentaries about honey badgers (the real ones, because they are awesome. Not the rugby or nfl playing ones) and getting jealous of the damned thing because it is such a dynamic go-getter that if they could be taught to wear a shirt and tie or pant suit they could easily be your boss at work by next week…
Look… if that IS you?.. Sorry for airing your dirty laundry out in this public forum. Maybe this is the shame you need to develop that life into something slightly less sucky. Bread with mayonnaise maybe?
Contrarily, if you are aimed at self acceptance, would that mean you need to think that all those weird things you do in your spare time, like making strange celebrity faces out of your squeezed cellulite in the mirror, or sucking in your gut so you can actually see the cool Mohawk you made with your pubes in the shower, are a genuinely valuable part of the perfected oneness of being that is you?
Once again, if this IS you, and you think those things are a defining and valuable part of you? Well, keep winning. I happen to think you are capable of more than Donald Trump facial impersonations with your left butt cheek…
But anyway, enough about Trump butt cheeks. (get THAT image out of your head now…)
It occurred to me that one of the things that is so defining for either of these ways to live our lives is self awareness.
If you don’t have some idea of who you are, honestly and objectively, how can you ever learn what you need to work on? How can you ever come to terms with who you are and be happy and content with that?
Which brought me to the realisation that they are two feet on the same path. Not exclusive, as it once appeared, but necessary elements of either direction. So I began to try and contextualise it.
Is self-development possible without first an acceptance of who we are and the awareness to realise we are capable of more? It appeared that promoters of self development, with some exceptions, where always interested in the grind to have more and be more and do more and win more and own more. More. But that’s not entirely true. Where is the value in the grind if there’s no appreciation for what they grind brings us and creates in us?
Is self acceptance possible without the pre-existing, deep down knowledge that maybe things aren’t how we wish they were and that we need to start somewhere, and THAT is what we are compelled to accept? Again, it appeared that most advocates of self acceptance where more about attempting to convince themselves and others that as necessarily human as our flaws may be (some don’t even acknowledge that much… but anyway…) that they should be left there as admirable qualities that needed nothing more that a bit of virtue signalling to become so admirable. But that’s not entirely true either. Where is the value in self acceptance if it leaves us in the same place, with slightly less angst held against ourselves?
What’s weird in us humans though? We are built, literally built, to develop and adapt and respond positively to stress and challenge and duress. Autophagy, hormesis, neuroplasticity, the evolving resilience of the human spirit? All of these are examples of how our very physiology and psyche is made to overcome and be more. Sounds like personal development to me.
What’s weird about whats on the other side of that? Without the ability to recover, to rest and recuperate on ALL those levels I just mentioned, we start to break down. Without time and space and energy to allow ourselves to accommodate for those changes in response to stress, we start to crumble. Mentally, physically and emotionally. Sounds at least a little like self acceptance to me.
Hopefully that makes a modicum of sense. Some people get stuck in one side or the other. But I’d argue that true balance of self and the purpose and happiness that can come with it and create it, is finding and leaning into both. Like masculine and feminine energy. Or mental and physical exertion.
Self awareness is the knowledge OF you. Self development is how you BECOME you, self acceptance is how you BE you. Personal responsibility is the acknowledgement and acceptance that both of those things are ON you.
Development demands acceptance of who we are currently, with all your flaws and imperfections.
Acceptance demands development to be who we could be and want to be, using those flaws that once held sway over us and the lessons they taught us.
And then once again developing self and self acceptance to grow into BEING who you were meant to be, who you’ve become.
Look, I realise that’s a lot of different versions that I’m just simply describing as You. Past You, Current You and Future You just didn’t roll like I wanted it to...
Anyway…
Self development and Self acceptance.
Both add value to who you are, who you might be.
Who do you want to be?
Who are you capable of being?
Who are you currently?
What's the difference between those two versions of you?
Do you want to close that gap?...
The paradox is, you already ARE that person. Accepting that, and the difference between who you are right now and that truer version of you, requires the development of us that sheds the shit we have within us that doesn't really play a part in that truer You.
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.
“Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself.” Joan Didion
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