When you really think about it, how often do you say the word should?
Don’t get too paranoid about it, but just have a think? And then have a think about how often you THINK the word should to yourself.
How quickly is it adding up?
What does the word should actually mean to you if you use it enough? What kind of energy do you say it with? What kind of context do you use it in?
Now, once you’ve done all that annoying stuff I’ve “should”ed you into, think about where the ideas of should came from for you.
“You should wash your hands after coming back from the pub toilet” is probably a good one. Just like “you shouldn’t slap your partner in the face just because they dutch oven’d you” is probably fair too. I mean, definitely get them back for that, but maybe not that way. Glad wrap the toilet bowl or something equally mature, but don’t slap them. That’s simply being a good partner.
Yes, I know I’m setting the bar pretty low already (in terms of tone AND common sense…), but I’m just getting it out of the way early.
But what about the other kinds of should’s.
You should get on with it and not complain.
You should complain so it gets someone to pay attention to you.
You should eat more fruit because its healthy.
You should eat less fruit because its full of sugar.
You should do what your parents think you should do for a career.
You should do what you want to do.
You should…
How many times does that word actually come from you, as in your genuine, deep down, inner child, best interests of everyone at heart, following their heart and purpose and place in the universe, self?
How often is the word should said like an obligation that is draining energy from you?
Something you don’t really want to do, but know you have to otherwise you and those children that you “should” take care of starve? Why can’t those little invalids do something for themselves for a change!!! There’s plenty of coal that needs mining somewhere, surely?
Should has always struck me as a word that indicates that the thing you just said is someone else’s idea. That the idea that just crossed your mind and came out of your mouth is someone else’s agenda that has very little to do with what you want at that time and place, and waaaaay more to do with what someone else told you to do.
Now, sometimes this person has your best interest at heart.
If you doctor said to you “you should probably consider not drinking petrol as a party trick anymore, I have a suspicion its related to you ongoing health concerns and mounting hospital bill”, I think it may be worth hearing that doctor out. And seriously considering their should.
But, this conversation comes back to the idea of other people doing your moralising and thinking and considering and, frankly, parenting for you. And then we don’t grow out of it.
Mostly, its our parents. They tell you should that you need to follow, and if you don’t there will be consequences. No sugar or tv or un-smacked arse kind of consequences. (apologies to those who never got smacked, you have no idea of what an object lesson reinforced by physical pain can really drive you to). That’s usually who starts the shoulds anyway. Then teachers. Friends, who were taught their own shoulds. Coaches. Police. Partners (consider the consequences of forgetting the missus’ birthday, for example).
They’re everywhere. And usually they make sense, and they are actually good for us individually. Especially if you hope to have sex with said missus any time soon after her birthday.
But there are others. That keep us limited in our own heads, and lives, and loves.
“You should work a 9 to 5, because that way you have some security and structure to your life.” But what if you hate your job, and if it wasn’t for the fact that it lets you eat, that building would have been on fire yesterday. What kind of energy do you think you’d have about getting up and going to that place that you should go to every day, if that’s how you feel about it? Do you think that might be impacting the rest of your life? You know, just a little?
“You should do the dishes the way I’m telling you to do them”. That way, I won’t have to shame you into it, so you hate doing it and do them reluctantly every single damned time, but they are done MY way either way, so at least I’M satisfied.
Trying to meet standards that have nothing to do with you sounds like a great way to breed resentment and bitterness to me. (How often does micromanagement work out, you know, in your experience?)
“You should dress this way”, because then you won’t be called a loser by people who don’t know what they’re talking about but like to exert control over their peers via more shame and threat of exile and shunning of the non-believer. (sorry for anyone who doesn’t know who Charlie the Unicorn is. But I will happily say that your life is probably richer for that…).
Hopefully you guys are starting to hear the common thread that the word should carries with it.
Yes, Mark, absolutely spot on! External validation IS what I am talking about. Everyone else? Should have picked that up, right?...
The most glaring version I’ve seen of this in my life is a conversation I had with a chap by the name of Dean. Dean was there and after asking him why, he reluctantly told me he needed to lose some weight. Me being me, I felt compelled to ask a couple of questions on told of that.
You know, the usual stuff. How much? When by? Why did he make this decision?
Whole conversation, Dean was very very uncomfortable answering these questions. Until we go to the truth of things.
“My wife thinks I should lose a few kilos…” It was like pulling teeth getting that out of him. And he couldn’t look me in the face, let alone eyes as he said it. Which says a lot about how much shame he was carrying about the whole thing.
He was not there for himself. He was there because someone told him he should be…
Mark, you’re up again mate. How likely do we think Dean would be successful in his goal to los weight, given it wasn’t his idea and he was actually pretty reluctant to even talk about it?
Pretty freaking low. Couldn’t agree more mate. At best, he would try just hard enough to say he’d tried and leave it at that because he didn’t want to be there because it wasn’t ON HIS OWN TERMS. Which is the kicker, really.
The guy could have really stood to lose some weight. But he is there to be externally validated, not because he genuinely wanted to be there for himself.
Is this should word starting to make more sense? If you can’t see the value in what you’re doing, if all you can bring yourself to do is compliance to avoid shame and failure in the eyes of those people you’ve given authority to… How hard would you really try?
How far does perceived obligation really go, if that’s all there is? How long before that compliance turns into defiance (read bitterness and resentment and angst and hate and self-sabotage and detachment and self-loathing. Yep, its that fucking bad sometimes), but that defiance is internalised because you certainly can’t direct it at that authority figure you’ve given away all your power to…
Still wondering how people grow to hate their jobs and their life? Or just flat out detach from it?
Feeling like you can’t escape the necessity of towing the line of what you should do, because living up to other people’s standards has happened for so very long that you don’t even know what you think and like and want or even ARE anymore, sounds pretty frustrating to me…
Did you ever know those things? Or were they taken from you? Or did you give them away?...
That bitterness and resentment? That’s there because you KNOW what’s going on is wrong. You may not consciously know it, but some part of you knows it. Deep down, where those emotions come from and live, you know its not right, and its not who you are.
So, we look at that now.
Why do we let this happen?...
Because it’s easier that way.
It’s less confrontation that way.
I mean, you need a job/partner/white picket fence, don’t you?
Well… yes. To the job anyway. Life’s tougher with no money.
But does that mean you should just tolerate the overbearing versions of the shoulds, just because there’s a cheque in it for you?
Well, the answer to that can only be answered by what you say when asked “How do you really feel about your life?”
Cool, does that mean we need to listen to more Sex Pistols songs and become anarchists? Maybe. But how do you think you would feel about that life instead? Kind of awkward questions to answer, right?...
The word “should” appears to be a word that positions someone else’s opinion over our own. Sometimes that’s good for us. Not driving drunk is a good should, in my view.
But how many other should do you have floating around in that noggin, that have nothing to do with what you think anymore, assuming it ever did? And does that drive you into a level of external validation that triggers some unpleasant feelings that just leave you feeling less and less because, frankly, you just cant ever meet those standards you’ve been handed, of which the meeting of is unfulfilling and the failure of is crushing.
Does your day live and die by these marauding shoulds that swirl in your heads ever present (but not cool Morgan Freeman voice) narration? Does that word have anything to do with what you, the actual you you really are, want?
Is your self-worth tied to the things that come after the word should, whenever it comes up in your train of thought or mouth?
How many times do you want to think to yourself “dammit, I should have done the husbands sandwiches with cos lettuce instead of iceberg, today. He’s going to be pissed eating soggy sandwiches now…” and live in dread of the shame you are going to feel when he gets home.
How long do you want to enforce your own shame when you fail to meet standards that aren’t yours? If you tow the line long enough, we don’t even need that externally validating authority figure anymore. They have just taken up space in our heads and won’t leave the real us alone anymore. All because it’s easier that way…
Yes, it might be easier. But is it happier? Is it more authentically you?
How buried ARE you under all those shoulds?
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.
“What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others.”Confucius
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