The very nature of stories is one of connection and emotion. They (the good, non-sucky ones anyway) speak to us on a human level that lets us relate to others and the word around us. They help us feel not so alone. Like a blog a few months ago, what gods and heroes and stories you’re drawn to, tells you a lot about yourself.
So, if we can agree on that, Jeff!!!, could it also be fair to say that our own story is what has created emotion in our lives? I mean, what experiences have we had in the past that informs you of your opinions, behaviours, feelings and emotional reactions to this current day?
Does your experience tell you that scenario A needs to be viewed negatively and warrants an appropriately negative reaction followed by a negative action? Or that scenario B is just how things are, it doesn’t matter either way?
Do you even think about these things and the learned behaviour anymore? Most don’t. Ironically, that lack of thought is exactly why things stay that way for you. Your story keeps running along that same old trope… Ugh, clichés are the worst. Especially when you’re living one.
Is your story horror? Are you happy to run screaming whenever a stranger jumps out at you when there’s tense and suspenseful music playing? Must be hard getting some sleep, let alone trusting anyone… Is that helping you in your life? At all?
Is it action? Everyone you meet is a foe to contend with, to be smoten by all that is good and righteous? And you’re so used to conflict that getting into an argument with the coffee shop cashier feels good and normal? Yeah…. How’s that coffee really tasting after that little to-do? You know when they took it back? To add the “finishing touch” to it? Is that working out for you?... Why do you do that? No, really, why?
Romance? Every relationship starts amazingly, like a period piece rom com starring Jennifer Aniston and some lucky chump. Amazing, right up until you both realise that the other is completely out of their mind with expectations of moonlit picnics in Paris, knowing that Netflix and chill and uber eats is all you’re getting. And you can’t help but feel cheated by the universe and that poor poor other person for allowing you to get disappointed by such outlandishly absurd standards… How long do those relationships last for? Are they even remotely about the other person?...
How did you get to that place in your head? How is that helping you? I do actually want to know. For your sake at least.
So, we talked about conditioning a while ago too. Your story is what’s played out by your conditioning AND what’s reinforcing it.
Do you like what’s going on? Yes?... Awesome job, Fiona. Your story is working FOR you. The things your life experience and conditioning has taught you is reinforcing a positive outlook and process and outcome for your present and future. Keep killing it.
No?.... Life’s shit, everyone’s out to get you, you don’t deserve this struggle, it’s not your fault, what choice did you have, woe is me….
How long are you going to let that be your story? Because that is EXACTLY what’s keeping you in that damned misery tale. Jeff!!! We can’t see out of that awfulness because we spend all our time looking inwards at it negatively and focusing on your lack of control and power into it, the unfairness of it all.
Again, how’s that working out for you?
So, how do we look at our story to have it work FOR us?
Well, how can we look at that horror story from earlier with a positive spin? What could it be TEACHING you?...
Well, if you're constantly on the lookout for strangers out to get you, you’re probably pretty perceptive by now. How could that skill you’ve honed work FOR you? Could your horror story turn into a private eye story, where you win by being discerning and objective? Or could you turn it into an against the odds sports hero movie, with montages and everything, because you’ve become so stress inoculated that nothing can get the better of you now?
What about action? If everything is a fight, then maybe you’ve learned very well what the beginnings of conflict look like and know better how to defuse it? And if it does kick off, you have refined resolution strategies to put into play to minimise damage and angst. Instead of being the destructive action hero, you could learn to be the diplomatic and wise teacher the action hero needs to teach them when NOT to kill the cashier.
What if Jennifer Aniston wannabe’s learned that, by having expectations, it must mean they have standards and boundaries for how they are treated. Never a bad thing. Or that by being disappointed they learn that real value is found in love and connection, for themselves and for others, not fancy expensive shit. You know the movie.... (I’d eyeroll, but this is a text format, tough to slide in facial expressions with letters) The ones where they need to “find themselves” to remember who they are and what real value is. Yeah, I’m being mean to those movies. No, its not fair to them. But there’s soooo many of them…
Making sense yet? Or do you need a real example?
Okay, here goes. Real talk.
When I was a child there was no love or affection in my family. No words, actions, nothing. It was alien to me, to the point where seeing affection between other people was awkward to see. That’s how normalised it was for me. Now, I didn’t know otherwise, so I just left it at that. It left me thinking I was unlovable, because why else wouldn’t I be given love as a kid? Not that weird to see how a child’s mind goes there, huh? Guess what I carried into my first relationship? Not much, that’s right Carly. Not much at all. On any level. How do we think that worked out? Right again Carly. Crap.
I knew I wanted something, to give something, but didn’t know what it looked or felt like to give or receive love. So, I started trying to earn love. Completely outsourcing myself to earn affection from someone who had absolutely no idea what was going on there, let alone why. So, they were not getting what they wanted, but getting a whole lot of other things from me (the word cloying comes to mind…), and I was getting nothing because I had no idea what I wanted, let alone ask for, in the way of love.
Now, what really adds some spice to this mix is that during this childhood, Dad would have these random bouts of anger. Nothing abusive, no violence, but anger none the less. As most can relate, it wasn’t fun as a kid to experience. Because of the feeling it created in me, I vowed I would never make anyone feel like this. So, I repressed any anger and aggression I felt. And pushed that repression to the point where I couldn’t and wouldn’t stand up for myself or engage the frustration my partner felt with me being so confused and out of touch with them. I'd make it my fault, and berated myself for failing again. Self resentment grew, as it does, and strangely I got tired of the circumstances that made me feel shitty...
So, I stonewalled her. Yeah, definitely not better. More frustration, more resentment, more damage done by both of us, to both of us. And then guess what? We split up. Guess what I did in the next relationship?... Right?... We all do that shit. “This is my story, lets just autopilot that into the ground…” Kept trying to buy and earn love, kept not understanding what my partners wanted. Not understanding what I wanted...
Until one day, I was compelled to ask myself the question “What am I actually doing right now? Why am I doing it? What the hell is going on here?” So, I look at myself. At what I’m doing. At what my lack of understanding is doing, the actions I keep perpetuating because of it. At how much blame I was throwing around because of my story.
But it’s MY story.
If it is my story, it must be mine to own? Isn’t It?
So, what do I want to do with it? More of the same old shit? Or do I want something else?
If I want something else, I need to do something else. What can I do?
Tell people my tragic backstory everywhere I go, hoping they’ll understand me better after my “This is why I’m Messed Up” TedTalk? Cringey. Not good first impression material…
I can change something.
What can I change? Other people? Hah! Let me know how that works out…
My environment? Same person moving from place to place won’t change this.
Me. I can change me.
What can I change? Plastic surgeons can only do so much.
I can change how I behave. How?
I can look at why I behave and think like that.
Story. Story is why….
Well, I can’t change the past… (They’ll invent that time machine one day. But not soon enough to help me.)
So, I’ll need to own that past, so I can change how I look at the past. To change my present and my future.
How did my past work for me, rather than to me? What did it teach me?
I learned that I couldn’t be taught how to give and receive love, because the people around me were never taught either. I learned I don’t want to be an unconnected and unemotional robot. I learned that if I don’t connect with my own emotions, including rage, anger and aggression, and why they are there and necessary, I make things waaay worse. I learned a LOT about the man I want to be, who I am and will be, rather than the man I let myself be. I learned what kind of personal responsibility and development I wanted to pursue to be that best version of me. I learned how many other stories are out there, running or indeed ruining lives.
I learned that things don’t have to stay the way they were. That things can be different.
What can your story teach you? Its much more than you think, in the same way that you are much more than that old story…
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No barfights.
“The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.” Oscar Wilde
Comentarios