Afternoon.
I am about to be mean, so appreciate that this short brisk intro today is prepping everyone for the meaness…
With that said, how IS everyone’s afternoon treating them? Like a champ? Or a little bit less than that?
Well, it’s those little-bit-less-than-that people I’m going to be talking to today. Let’s be honest though, when am I not?
Anyway, on with the show.
What is the real difference between empathy and sympathy?
I’ve been meeting a few people who are under the impression its basically the same thing. I am here to tell those of you who think that… that you’re wrong and I’m prepared to tell you. To your face. And maybe be a little bit of a jerk about it.
Okay, maybe not that last bit, because that wouldn’t be very empathetic of me, would it?... (see what I did there? No?... Well, that fair, I haven’t gone into it yet, but I promise its funny once I’ve explained it. because jokes DEFINITELY are funnier when you have to explain them, right?)
So, where do we start?
Sympathy.
What is sympathy?
Well, the nutshell version is: its what we do to try and placate someone who’s just had, or is still experiencing, something shitty happen to them.
You know? When you just had someone call you a cotton headed ninny muggings, and your friend says “that sucks for you. I bet you feel bad. I feel bad FOR you,” or something like that. It’s an attempt to normalise the suckiness of the last few minutes/days/weeks/lifetimes.
How helpful is that, really? Admittedly, that’s a fairly course version of sympathy, but you get my drift.
What does it actually do?
Well, in the moment, its hopefully going to make the sufferer feel a little better, that someone else can recognise and acknowledge that stuff sucks right then and there. Cool. Thank you, Captain Obvious.
And sometimes, this is all the sufferer wants in the moment. Someone to be on their team, on some level.
Alright, what about empathy?
Well, in a nutshell again: empathy is the attempt by the observer to put themselves in the sufferers place, and genuinely understand and appreciate what’s going on for them. To relate and connect, rather than acknowledge and placate.
I believe there is a distinct difference in energy and intention with both the sufferer and the observer. The question becomes more about what each person is there for. Are they there for acknowledge and placation? Or understanding and possibly some perspective and insight, on both sides?
And so, the mean bit.
But… what if… the sufferer notices that the sympathetic attention is what makes them feel better? The attention rather than what understanding might offer? That sympathy is good enough to provide some emotional value. But, how to keep that emotional value flowing?
Well, I’d suggest that then we use a different word for sufferer.
What’s another word for sufferer?
Victim. Yes, thank you Shelly. Exactly nail on the head right and correct.
If attention and validation are all that’s sought for when it comes to suffering, then that can become quite addictive at some point. And the nature of addiction is to keep that good feeling rolling. How to do that though? Well, adopting the mindset of being perpetually in a state of suffering with no end in sight and no way to change it would do it for the said victim. And if they can find someone to buy into the constant narrative of things being atrociously awful and doom-y, well, there’s the fix right there.
So, let’s just say that this is true. Let’s just say I’m not JUST being a victim blamer here.
What does sympathy boil down to then, if that’s the case?
Frankly, enablement.
Why, when kids fall over and hurt their knee, do we give them a chance to get sympathy from a parent, but are inevitably told to get back and get on with things? Is it because maybe, just maybe, in that small little example, that we as a species know we need to stand up and get on with things and teach that accordingly?
That sympathy only has a limited value and pushing it further than that leads to victimhood and potentially enablement seeking and receiving? Or worse, contempt and resentment from the parent when the kid keeps trying to play up to it?
Okay, yes, I get it, Filly. That’s kids. “Adults don’t do that!” you say?
Don’t they?
Bollocks. I completely disagree. We ALL have done it, if not still do it.
Its just that as we grow older and become (allegedly) smarter and mature-r and sophisticated, the rationalising becomes more reasonable. The justifications become more understandable. The excuses become more “sympathisable”. The causes of suffering become more… brutal. And much harder to see through and make sense of.
I’ve heard it said about me, by close friends that I appreciate saying this to others, “Don’t go to Todd if you want someone to call the ex/jerk at the gym/bitch at the coffee shop a fuckface with. You won’t get that. You’ll get something very different.”
THIS difference between sympathy and empathy is exactly why they’ll get something different.
Sympathy and the validation it give’s helps us to feel a little better in the moment.
I believe empathy and the perspective it gives helps in the long run.
Maybe sympathy is for that short term, physical pain. And empathy is for… helping other kinds of pain. Which means the value of each has a little bit more grounding in healthy behaviours. But are they both always used that way?
As always, the old questions come out again.
Who are you?
Someone who wants placating and validation from someone else to keep the suffering going?
Or someone invested in overcoming suffering with a little understanding and perspective?
What do you want?
Sympathy?
Or empathy?
What do you want to feel like?
Pick your battles, and how you want to win them. Those feelings will adjust accordingly.
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No barfights.
“There are so many men, all endlessly attempting to sweep me off my feet. And there is one of you, trying just the opposite. Making sure my feet are firm beneath me, lest I fall.” Patrick Rothfuss
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