Hands up who’s heard of They?
Right… Everyone.
Wait, no. Vince in the back hasn’t… No mate, they aren’t a new indie band on triple j you haven’t heard of yet. Although I can definitely see why you’d think that.
I mean, the They that everyone blames when stuff goes wrong. Or we want it to be an opinion we don’t want to take ownership for. Or directly oppose. Or provide the excuse as to why we feel like things are harder than they need to be.
Yeah, THAT They.
They are a little bit like should in my book. Nothing to do with us, and everything to do with what we think we need to do with placating the voice in our head that tells us that no one thinks this is a good idea and that you are lame and terrible and are going to be ostracised and exiled and laughed at and possibly tarred and feathered. Maybe even told you have no friends and your name is Nigel…
Or something like that.
But being honest… Who is They really?
Are They real?
Because They have an awful lot to say for someone that doesn’t…
Or is that mostly in your own head?
Like those pesky Shoulds.
Okay, I’ve taken that in a different direction that I meant to. Bit too existential and philosophical this early in. Let’s try a different angle.
How do people get us to do what they want?
Sex, money, power and violence is a very good answer there Markus.
But is that all there is?
Honestly? Full disclosure? And realising that a lot of people won’t really like hearing this?
Not really.
We are animals at a very real level. An awful lot of evolution has been geared towards recognising those things as valuable elements of life (Okay, before we start getting into it, money is realistically a tangible representation of power and value. So calm down..) and have aimed a vast majority of our typical behaviours at the acquisition of those things. But us, being so evolved and transcendent, don’t live on those dirty, sticky and above all, basic levels of life, right?
Well, I’m here to tell you… we do.
But how do we placate ourselves with the uncomfortable animalistic drive to acquire those things? Its someone else telling us we should. So, They were invented. And They go a taste for it. Because not only are They used to justify the things that we do want to do. They also get used to justify the things that we don’t want to do also.
Why don’t I punch that girl in the face because she wore the same dress as me to the cocktail do, and that bitch looks better in it than me, to the point where the hubby was so obviously looking down her dress because he’s a lecherous perve and its ALL THAT BITCH’S FAULT. And now the nights ruined and the only thing to do to fix it is to drink heavily and cause a scene just before leaving the party because They would frown upon some direct violence instead of all that other stuff we’ve just done… Which is far more adult and sensible.
And so, jealousy at a change in power and influence in an event takes place as a thing that needs measuring all happens within us then. They have conveniently been used as an excuse that we can’t possibly wear the same dress to the same thing, because it might be awkward. But why? Who says? What’s really so wrong? Do her tits actually look better in it? Or is that the justifying reason to instantly hate her because she’s the obvious target for feeling powerless and an excuse to be angry about it?
She literally has nothing to do with you. But here we are, measuring ourselves against her, because of our very very old drives to be the most powerful and well thought of. Its just that we’ve started attaching They to it because we don’t want to own up to the reason why we feel that way within ourselves.
They is the more comfortable version of why we do and don’t like ourselves. The most typical version of projection. Just like should.
But, realistically, they are just excuses by which to make our feeling state and behaviours around that someone elses fault.
But it goes both ways.
What if we considered what would have happened if we actually DID punch her in the face? Because occasionally, They do have some worthwhile ideas. Like not going to jail for assault. Like not having your extensions ripped out in the inevitable reaction. Like actually living up to the idea in our heads that we aren’t animals. At least, on that level anyway.
Now, I realise I’ve done a bit of wandering on this particular example. Sorry, but not that much. Part of the reason is to make the point of exactly how not linear out justifications can be when it comes to justifying how we feel and the behaviour those feelings drive.
Because as always, it inevitably begs the question “why do I feel this way?”
Well, why do you feel that way?
Is it because you just don’t like yourself that much, and any person or circumstance that reminds you of that turns into They, and must be complied or defied accordingly?
Is it because the “rules” They have laid down that must be followed have so trapped our free spirit that its impossible to live in a world that They create and actually be yourself at the same time?
Is it because you don’t really know how much power you have over yourself, and said power always being given away to They, who don’t ever really exist in the way our justifications and excuses wish they did?
What if you made decisions that actually made sense to you? That used your power over yourself to give yourself value TO yourself? Rather than give the illuminati the ability to tell you that your dick isn’t big enough, cars not shiny enough, clothes aren’t trendy enough, beliefs aren’t woke enough or fundamentalist enough. The common word is pretty obvious in all those examples.
You aren’t enough…
And if you choose to believe what They say, then They will always have the final say in your head about how enough you aren’t. And the pressure to be enough will not only keep you kicking, scratching and biting to BE enough, it will drive you to all sorts of behaviours that may not be what you actually want in order to STAY enough.
What if you believed what YOU say and think?
What if you knew you looked great in that dress, regardless of who else was wearing it? And it was a talking point for her and yourself? And that maybe you realised you had more in common than great taste? What if the police or your own shame didn’t have to get involved? (Because some rules made by real Theys are actually there for a good reason. I say some, but definitely not all…)
Pick and choose your battles. But don’t defer battles or take loses without it being on your terms, rather then the They we give all our power away to because everyone else does day after day.
Make a decision, based on what you want. What rules matter to you? Which ones are actually real?
They isn’t as real as we might want to lazily believe.
You, however, are very real. Take that realness seriously.
“They say that love is blind, but it's trauma that's blind. Love sees what is.” Neil Strauss
Komen