Hot enough for ya?
How ‘bout that local sportsball team?
How’s work?
And the kids? Little Oscar must be… around this tall by now! Jeez, where does the time go…
Is that enough small talk yet?
Thank god for that…
No Finn, I won’t indulge you any further in more stuff about Donald Trump either. I’m good. Hands up everyone else who’s cool to never talk about Election 2020 ever again? There you go Finn, you’ve been democratically outvoted about continuing to talk about the democratic process any further. Sorry, but there it is.
I hope she doesn’t become a Marxist because of this…
Anyway…
I heard two statements recently that remind me of things that sometimes I take for granted nowadays.
Brace yourselves for the first one.
“I don’t think I can be a man whore. It felt wrong and it made me feel like shit, for myself and for her. She wanted all this stuff. She needed all this emotional stuff too. But I don’t want anything to do with that. It’s a big fucken mess. Can’t do it again, it feels wrong even thinking about it…”
Yes, Miranda, I’m aware that thing needs some context. Well, here goes...
A friend of mine was thinking about making some extra money and capitalising on his newfound appeal with the ladies. So, he spoke to someone “in the know”, got the downlow, a first client and took the first step. I say first step, maybe I would be better saying… first thrust? Sorry to bring the tone so early, but I’m talking about man whoring here…
He got paid, did the deed, but was left with a sour taste in his mouth (which I am assured ISN’T anything to do with the client). When asking him about it, he said the above and then went into a little more detail about the experience. My questions focused on what he thought would happen compared to what did happen, and he gradually came to the conclusion that the two things were poles apart when it came to the emotional experience he was expecting.
Two things he realised seem pertinent.
“I thought I could just do the deed and walk away.”
“I hadn’t realised that this is just not about the root for them.” Turns out, the same can be said of himself based on the first statement.
Having had no recent meaningless sex, maybe his views had shifted about how much emotional context physical intimacy held for him now. And by extension, dramatically overestimated his ability to detach from the emotional relevance within himself firstly, and the lady in question secondly.
The second realisation seemed most relevant to my first statement after all that small talk rubbish.
For him, the physical act held more emotional attachment than he expected. For her, it sounded like she was hoping for much more than a simple physical interaction too. She wanted to talk about this and that, placate her feelings of desperation and loneliness (based on what I was hearing, I made this judgement call, though she was never outright about it I’m told) and genuinely connect to meet expectations about “rented” self-worth. Literally the oldest form of externalised validation.
To quote “I didn’t sign up for this. I don’t even want a missus like that, let alone a client like that. Dealt with enough of that shit in the past already…”
Outside looking in, it sounded like neither considered the full spectrum of expectations made by themselves, let alone what the other might have OF themselves.
The point being, how much expectation is set with no regard for emotional context in the pursuit, achieving and failing to reach those expectations?
How often are goals and purposes and whys and expectations and standards and values, and all that malarky, set without any real consideration to how it would feel to achieve of miss those lines we set? If it would be what we expect intellectually, but completely miss the mark emotionally?
Suddenly, the old adage “be careful what you wish for, you just might get it” comes to mind. Not considering the trade-offs and sacrifices, the physical and emotional toll, the spiritual value or soul tainting, can leave a distinct taste of ash in the mouth.
The other thing I heard recently was thusly.
“I have phenomenally high expectations. No one seems to be able to live up to them, not even me. But I don’t want to change them because it feels like short-changing myself…”
Not necessarily obvious, but there’s a fair bit in common with these statements. When you pull then apart anyway.
There is nothing wrong with high expectations. But without considering why they are that high and if there is value in them being where they are beyond an unreachable yard stick? Sounds like a rod for your back rather than said yardstick (see what I did there?). Reaching for the stars is something I actively encourage, fill your boots with ambition and use it as rocket fuel to reach those stars. As long as there is genuine belief in the value and potential attainability of those expectations. Otherwise, they start to sound like burdens. And the justifications of them sound like… excuses to keep the weight of that burden.
The reason I bring this stuff up at all is to say that, mostly, I forget about my expectations, because I don’t take people not meeting my expectations particularly personally. But that doesn’t mean having some isn’t valuable to ensure that I and others know where they stand with what I want for my life and what happens within it.
But if I set them with no intention of having them be realistic or being genuinely honest with myself about what they may actually mean to be met or missed, they potentially become a constant source of pain. I do have them, but treating myself, others and the experience badly won’t help add value to any of the above. Just more evidence that I suck, other suck, life sucks, and that’s just how things are. No learning about anything at all, and unlikely to see any change either.
Being constantly disappointed because the practicality of reality and humans in general isn’t considered… is no way to live.
Being constantly upset by being surprised when things aren’t what you thought they were… I mean, it’s a fairly effective way to learn about yourself and what you want, but asking those questions of yourself beforehand may help you set your bars a little more appropriately to begin with. But, you’ve got to start somewhere.
Sounds delightful, doesn’t it?
Here we go again…
What do you want?
Have you considered what kind of implications that will have? What trade-offs need to be made, physically, emotionally, spiritually?
Have you considered how honest expectations are relative to who it is you’re dealing with?
That includes, most importantly, yourself…
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.
“Your expectation influences your disposition” ekeremarshal
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