Hi Everybody! (If you don’t respond with “Hi Doctor Nic!” I think we may be on VERY different pages with our cultural references. Just saying…)
How’s your weekend treating/ed you? Like a champ? Great answer Tia, I’m enjoying your newfound streak of positivity.
Well, I’m sorry to say, I may be about to ruin it… Sort of. Maybe. Not intentionally. I think.
I was considering the concept of toxic masculinity the other day, as we all do, and some of the commentary around it. As we also do.
And the idea that such a well discussed topic seemed to have little consistency in terms of what actually constituted toxic masculinity. And that was assuming there was even a textbook-like definition to refer to within the commentary. I am yet to consult Wikipedia, but the technical definition is not quite the point I’m running with here.
I have written about the idea that we, sometimes, as a communicating society hopefully finding value in said communication, sometimes use the same words to mean quite different things and different words to mean the same things. This is always due to perspective, and the various lenses we individually use to view and interpret the world. Happy with that? Cools.
Wait. No. Felicity, nope, you’re not happy…
No, I know I haven’t made it clear why toxic masculinity and perspective when it comes to definition and interpretation matter…
Because I haven’t gotten to… No, I see your point, I’m trying to get there.
Anyway. Thank you for a pretty decent example of where I’m going Felicity. I appreciate it.
Now, in retrospect anyway.
What makes something toxic?
What makes something divine? (and I’m not talking about anything to do with religion when I use that word either, in case it needs to be categorically stated)
Or at least pretty snazzy?
Perspective.
Sometimes derived from time, or broader interpretations, or epiphanies, or simply learned self-awareness.
Some elements of toxic masculinity, for example, are pretty universally toxic and almost don’t need acknowledging. The inclination towards casually undertaken but heinous sexual assault would be a pretty good starting point. Who, in a reasonably fair and balanced state of mind, would consider that as anything BUT toxic? No one here? Excellent. We can stay friends.
As a result of that universality, those kinds of attitudes and behaviours don’t even usually need bringing up in this kind of conversation. I mean, there is a REASON they’re crimes (even if breathtakingly under punished…).
So, as you may be rightly thinking about now, what the fuck am I actually talking about?
Interpretation.
And as much as I realise I may have run with a fairly charged topic as an example, I figure its something everyone might relate to on some level.
Okay, so if we can agree that some of the dramatically less worthy-of-considering-as-mis interpretable-traits are so black and white we don’t need to consider them, what else is there that we could consider a toxic masculinity trait?
I’ll suggest arrogance. Few nods in the crowd there. Lets run with it.
Can someone tell me the difference between confidence and arrogance? Without necessarily resorting to the dictionary, thankyou Felicity.
Both of them suggest a surety of purpose, a directness of behaviour, perhaps some boldness when it comes to acting on either one. So, pretty similar there. But they ARE very different, aren’t they?
Why?
Energy is my answer. Energy and intent, what the behaviour is driven by. And, to the whole point of this today, the interpretation of that energy in the eye of the beholder. Or perspective, if we want a little less whimsy.
What happens when someone who’s confident gets labelled as arrogant by someone else who’s perspective is quite different from the confident-ee? What about the other way around?
What if, without context and at least a little bit of objectivity, they’re pretty close to the same damned thing?
What if that’s not just true of confidence and arrogance?
What if that’s not just true of toxic and divine masculinity?
What if that’s true of all human behaviour?
What if that’s true of existence?
What if everything has the ability to be toxic? Simply based on the interpretation of it?
As I mentioned before, some stuff genuinely cannot be part of a civilised and functioning society invested in growth and peace and prosperity for all its members without that stuff being considered toxic. We aren’t talking about that.
Let’s take something that could be typically interpreted as good and positive and valuable and divine.
A mothers love.
Pretty soft ball there, right?
Sorry to do this. but…Who’s ever met one of those really, REALLY overprotective mothers before? I know you all have. It is borne out of love, we all know that. But at what point does it become toxic? Because it absolutely does. But when? When the child is effectively still a child and an invalid when it’s time to actually do some adulting? Or is this an individualised version of and interpretation of?
And that’s kind of the point.
Nearly everything is capable of being toxic and considered a negative trait. If it goes too far.
Could that also be true, with enough effort and intention, to make something toxic into something more positive?
What it comes down to is the actions being interpreted by the view-ee in a way that’s not necessarily the intention of the action-er. But also, potentially, the misguided intention and energy from the action-er too.
Context matters. Sometimes, things ARE black and white. But there’s a reason why manslaughter isn’t the same as murder. There’s a reason why attempted murder isn’t the same as murder. There’s a reason why there is a judge and 12 members of a jury. That’s 12 people to consider the context, and 1 to consider that application of the laws with that context in mind.
Well, that’s the intent anyway. I hope.
Results matter.
Intent matters.
With those universally considered toxic traits and behaviours mentioned earlier, the sufferers of those actions rarely have the time and luxury in the moment to do that. Weirdly, snap judgments might be made in those moments. It is a constant disappointment to hear that this luxury is so very, very uncommon.
The point is, the mentality with which actions are formulated and/or viewed does a huge amount to the subjective value of the end result of those actions.
Something could be pretty positive if the intention and energy behind that said something can be addressed.
Toxic behaviour could be something different to one side of the fence or the other. If both sides of the interpretation are prepared to be hold some objectivity about the how’s and why’s, maybe, just maybe, something constructive could come from that toxicity wherever it may come from and however it becomes tangible.
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.
Awaken from the hallucinations, and take back your heart. Reclaim your self-esteem, and leave the toxic be.” Giorge Leedy
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