Yesterday, I found out that my most admired and favourite musician is leaving his current band and public life in general.
“Sorry to hear that mate. What obscure and potentially difficult to pronounce name are you going to mention this time that we’ve never heard of and how long do we need to pretend to care before its socially acceptable to go back to important stuff like regular Sunday stuff like actually trying to enjoy our lives?” you may ask, Damien. Which is fair, if a little insensitive. But I’ll drop the guilt trip on you a bit later Damo. Brace yourself.
Now, before we go into the Puddles Pity Party of pain and anguish this will cause me till my end of days, you could probably use a bit of context. Especially you, Damo…
The reasons for withdrawing from what most would consider an amazing life were listed as a reconsidering of the direction of life after some time to reflect on his feelings and his industry, and needing some additional time away from that part of his life to answer those questions and realign it to become a more fulfilling and self-validating existence. I’m paraphrasing there, but that’s roughly what he said.
He said this, but additionally mentioned that he suffers from depression and that while he didn’t say it was the deciding factor in this decision, mentioning it at all is likely a reflection on concerns that his current thinking and feelings of disillusionment and lack of direction won’t make his mental health anything but more challenged and fragile. Hence the decision.
But anyway, back to the point of this.
Shaming Damo…
Well, maybe not that exactly. But sort of.
What would we assume the life of a rockstar was like? After parties, cocaine, groupies and trashed hotel rooms filled with private jets, leather pants, champagne and record executives granting you everything but more wishes? Not unreasonable, if we believe what movies and the storys we hear about what goes on behind closed doors.
But that’s the point.
Do we believe the stories?
Do we believe what we think happens?
Think hard about that bit.
What we think happens compared what actually happens.
How much difference is there between those two things?
I bring this up as a point because this is where misunderstanding comes from, where assumption starts, and where this leaves us feeling about ourselves and our own lives relative to what we think is going on with everyone else.
The musicians name is Marko Hietala.
He has been in popular bands before, in the 80’s, and extremely popular bands in the 00’s and 10’s (I say that, knowing that what I consider to be extremely popular and what you consider to be popular may be very different things).
He is an immensely talented vocalist, bassist, song writer and composer. He genuinely loves music.
But he left anyway. He may be back, but he has to reconsider the thing that makes him who he is to the public and that that means to him moving forward.
Would we, could we, ever truly understand what it would be like, let alone what it would take, to walk away from something like the thing that defines us to the world?
No, not really.
We can empathise, we can try to understand. But we’ll never truly get it. Not really.
So why do we think we can assume things about what it is like for the people we live with and interact with every day? The people we see on facey and what they put out on there?
What we think about ourselves reflected in the assumptions we make about those people. The assumptions we make about those people we all see, those celebrities and talented people that we all share as inspirations and gauges for who we are, can aspire to aim to emulate.
But in the face of those blinding lights of the stage and red carpet, we forget that those paragons of privilege and talent and beauty are just human too.
They have problems.
They have flaws.
They make mistakes.
They get fed up.
Just like you.
But if we all keep being led astray by the idea that they aren’t, that the stuff we see on facey about those “regular” people we know is a true representation on how life is for them, we lose touch with commonalities and magnify how life isn’t for us.
Hows that work out for those that do it?
That’s right, Vince. Crappy.
You think you’re the only one who isn’t perfect and start to engage in behaviours that try to align with someone you aren’t, let alone potentially who you want to be.
If we don’t take a moment to appreciate someone’s life might not be what we think, or invest some time in trying to understand why they are the way they are, then we make assumptions. Just as they make assumptions about us. And then WE make assumptions about ourselves using something outside of ourselves as a basis for comparison.
We buy into the assumptions by wanting others to make positive assumptions about us, so we can use that to feel good about ourselves.
Assumptions cheapens us all. Makes life and the feeling that we have about it less that it deserves. Less than we deserve.
I love you Marko. You gave me music to live by, inspire myself with, wisdom in the distilled truth on your songs.
I’m proud of you for making what must have been a brutally tough decision that, in the end, is the right thing for you. I and millions of others will miss you. You deserve what you want your life to be like and the chance to make that a reality.
Take the inspiration you give others, use some for yourself.
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.
“When you're surrounded by people who share the same set of assumptions as you, you start to think that's reality.” Emily Levine
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