Morning peeps.
Sup, Nath.
Sweet beard, Jules, the Geraldton wax you’ve decorated it with is a nice touch.
Right, everyone (including me…) satisfied with their ego strokes? Good, good.
So, hands up who’s considered themselves a people pleaser at some stage in their lives?
Nearly everyone. Cool, thanks for being honest guys.
How far did you take it?
U-huh. Yep. That’s normal. Wow, lending your car to that friends cousins roommates drug-dealer, Saul? That’s pretty pleaser-y there, dude. Especially cool of you to let them have it for the week that you started that new delivery job… But, you know, the bonds of friends cousins roommates drug dealer is a sacred oath not easily broken.
Cool, so it can go a long way. I bet there’s a complex set of feelings behind that too, huh? Like, we want to help because it’s what we should do, because it’s the Right Thing To Do™. And we also want absolutely everyone to like us to the maximum amount all the time forever.
But we also feel a bit shitty because, frankly, being treated like a much used and abused doormat at the Fragrant Lawns Kennel for Incontinent and Sick Dogs rarely feels anything other than shitty.
You know, that really deep down, momentary flash of “why the fuck am I doing this for these pricks!” thoughts that makes you question your life choices a LOT, and leaves you feeling a lot crap for the rest of the day long after that quick flash of thought has gone kind of shitty
If we can say that this is true of most people pleasing behaviour (maybe not ALWAYS to the same level as the dog shit doormat, but close), then what do we do to change that?
Well, ironically, we aren’t actually here to talk about that. I feel confident that we’ve covered the “who are you, and what do you want” stuff pretty thoroughly by now that you may have some idea of where to start when it comes to addressing feeling states and behaviours. If not, refer back to roughly the last 2 years of posts. You may, or may not, get bored by the same questions though. Just saying…
Nope, instead we are here to talk about how we get back into the mix of things.
We ask the questions, we take the time to come up with the answers. Good. Correct. Winning.
Now, depending on what those answers are, we are left with a decision to make. Several really, but one big one. This time its about people pleasing and where we find value.
So, we are a recovering people pleaser. We start to realise the dog shit doormat feeling, so we pull back and examine the how’s, who’s and why’s of where that behaviour has come from. We create some space to see things clearly. Hopefully.
So, we decide that doing things on a ridiculous level just so that Freddy Fuckface might not sneer at us every time we speak is not serving us, isn’t valuable. Good. Set those boundaries! Don’t play someone else’s ego game! Do it for YOU! And all that jazz.
Great. Does that mean we don’t help anyone with stuff ever again? Maybe. If you think you’ve filled your lifetimes quota of helping and now the universe owes you some fucks now, then maybe. Sounds like a bit of an overcorrection, but maybe.
OR…
Do we think that’s not really us? Because we actually like helping people? It makes us feel good, because it’s a part of who we’ve chosen to value ourselves as, rather than what we think we need to do to be accepted by… them.
Well, that’s why those boundaries are kind of a big deal. Because those are the lines between finding value in helping others and being referred to as /Insert name here/ the lickspittle.
So that space, is where we make decisions about you. About ourselves. Because as much as we do not want to be dog shit doormat anymore, we don’t really want to over do it and end up alone forever because we avoid any and every possible chance that someone may ask us for help that we haven’t completely convinced ourselves we don’t have t say yes to, yet.
Being defiant to old behaviours is better than being compliant to them… But is that actually what we want?
To be defined by other people and old bullshit that doesn’t have to have anything to do with us anymore?
Let alone the feeling state we used to attach to it?
So, the asking of Why we do stuff matters. A lot.
The answers matter a lot, too.
The next bit of “what are we going to do about those answers” matters the most when it actually comes to moving forward with things.
And, ultimately, that’s up to you.
If you were a people pleaser, does that mean you have to see helping people the same way and engage in all those old behaviours?
If you were an angry fight-picker, does that mean you can’t stand up for yourself when you need to?
If you were an aloof wallflower, does that mean you can’t hang in the kitchen at a party ever again?
If you were a helicopter parent, does that mean you can’t look out for your kind when they’re doing dumb stuff (as they do, as we all do…)?
I mean, I’ll spell it out if I have to, Jules…
No. You don’t have to do any of that stuff.
But you DO need to pick where you feel the right lane is for you to be who you want to be, feel how you want to feel and do what you want to do. That’s what that pulling back from old behaviours is supposed to be for: find the balance point that has value on your own terms.
Sometimes we get lost in that space of pulling back. Sometimes, we forget to re-engage with the world. I did.
Is that where you want to be?
Or have you got cool people to make cooler by hanging out with them? And possibly doing them the odd favour because you want to, because that’s who you want to be?
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.
“The world can only change from within.” Eckhart Tolle
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