Hey guys.
Sup, Phil.
How are we?
Everything good? At home I mean?
Nothing too tense? Or awkward?
Eggshells remaining un-crushed as you walk on them? Or is it more about them not crushing said eggshell that maybe you've inadvertently, and at certainly no fault of your own, scattered about the place that everyone else is walking on...
Nah, that's not you. That's definitely them just being intentionally annoying and sucky, and MAKING you like that, right?
Typically, wounds buddies are found to soothe and normalise out wounds ("thanks Todd, we never would have guessed...") and old hurts that we develop adaptive coping mechanisms for that eventually turn into maladaptive behaviours. But its okay because we have all these people here with us that are prepared to enable us as long as we enable their maladaptive behaviours too.
Good time friends. For example. Hit the pub pretty hard with them but would otherwise never ever hang out with them outside of that, because… they aren’t really your people.
But if I said that the most valuable people to us are the people who rub those wounds?
In a challenging way?
Who piss you off royally, and hopefully (ideally) compel you to examine and confront and heal those wounds?
Yeah, sounds shit to me too.
There was some promotion of a study done a little while ago about the idea that the best kind of friend you have is the one who tells you the truth and doesn't care if they upset you with it? Yeah, that.
Well, we could maybe, possibly, potentially, from a certain point of view, take that from that kind of friend... But why not from a partner?
Are they too close? Maybe.
Are you still pretty invested in them thinking you’re awesome and the “good” one in the relationship, while you know for a fact that they are actually kind of lame and dim-witted and could never have any actual sound and value laden advice for you, specifically because you are so awesome and they are so lame? Maybe. Ego says no, everything else probably says yes… But everything else doesn’t count right now.
Are they too involved in the emotional reactions in you AND them for either of you to want to open that door? Almost certainly...
BUT does that mean you can't learn something from how they seem to invest time, effort and, frankly, barely contained contempt into pushing your buttons?
You know, like that time he finally put the EMPTY milk carton back in the fridge that one too many times before you finally snapped, stabbed him, a lot, and are now on the run 3 states away in a stolen car with your very own "Thelma" you met at the last service station that you have no real reason to trust but have this deep and compelling suspicion that she went through the exact same thing a few months ago and has learnt a few tricks in that time and you think that just maybe with her help, you can make it to the border and be sipping... something alcoholic, on a beach... somewhere, looking back at this whole thing as a bit of a lark with fond memories of how you met your new friend and left behind that carton wielding jerk forever.
Or, you know, something like that... Which was obviously all their fault, and totally intended to do that.
Or are they just too triggering?
Well, SOME people (myself included), would say that this probably means you have some stuff to think about when it comes to your reactions and emotions.
I mean, do you actually want to detest the person you are allegedly in love with?...
Might want to have a genuine good look in the mirror about that maybe?
They are capable of being your greatest teacher when it comes to managing your emotions.
Really, I mean that.
Admittedly, its rarely something they intend, and are unlikely to have the wherewithal to have any slightest clue about how to help that process beyond being their lovable yet wound rubbing self.
And in case it needs saying, this isn't about absolving them from those little annoying habits that ARE genuinely stupid. I mean, leaving the dish in the sink unwashed should realistically be a crime punishable by at least a decade of hard labour typified by endless dirty dish washing at a sink that's 4 inches too low for someone of their height (THAT'll learn 'em!!!).
But this is actually about you, and your feeling state. How do you really want to feel about that dish/bin/un-picked-up dog turd/32nd cushion on the bed/shirt not actually put in the dirty clothes basket?
And how likely is it to actually be resolved if your general demeanour about it is... incendiary... and triggers them in turn?
How else does one of those fairly small things lead to a 15hour argument that only one person knows is an argument?... Or is even about what its allegedly about?
Anyway...
What happens in you when they do that thing they do?
Do you take their behaviour personally?
Do you MAKE it personal?
Does it become more than it needs to?
What does that say about you?
About how unaware you are of yourself and your feelings in those moments?
About your own projections and behaviours?
How easy to talk to you are in those moments, how hearable you are?
We all have stuff. And if you think you don’t, that’s probably at least some of your stuff.
But you do things that piss other people. Especially the people that are closest to you.
People that are close to you piss you off, and you are pissed off before you can even think about what and why and how and stuff and things.
But WHY does it piss you off?
Why does it matter?
What bigger picture thing is it bringing up for you that isn’t even a conscious thought anymore, but the actions of others just completely bypass the bigger thing and drives straight into the feels?
Feels and reactions…
What about feels and a response, instead?
You know, something vaguely mature and adult (ugh…) that actually stands a chance of having this addressed and resolved.
Unless of course you actually like they way this pattern goes? Which is all good and above board, but I’d still argue that’s only because you’ve learned to love the conditioning. But that’s called reframing at that point, and that is Good™. As long as that’s how you genuinely feel, rather than egotistically force yourself to feel. But that’s another conversation for another blog…
How do you want your interactions to go?
What is your part in that?
Can it be more?
More than a reaction?
And, more of the old classics…
What do you want?
How do you want to feel?
What can you do about that, in that moment?
If you give them a chance, that significant person can teach you all sorts of things about yourself that are absolutely worth learning, and most definitely worth healing. Are you prepared to look?
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.
“The first step towards love is to listen to your love.” Amit Kalantri
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